A Christmas Thought

I am enjoying reading, Disappointment With God, by Philip Yancey.  What I read this morning really helped me to picture in my mind, as best I can in human form, what the Incarnation was like for God.  I've often wondered why, if God is so powerful and in control of all things, he doesn't act more and just "make" people love and serve Him.  This was a satisfying thought for me.

"'Suppose there was a king who loved a humble maiden,' begins a story by Kierkegaard.

The king was like no other king.  Every statesman trembled before his power.  No one dared breathe a word against him, for he had the strength to crush all opponents.  And yet this mighty king was melted by love for a humble maiden. 

How could he declare his love for her?  In an odd sort of way, his very kingliness tied his hands.  If he brought her to the palace and crowned her head with jewels and clothed her body in royal robes, she would surely not resist--no one dared resist him.  But would she love him?

She would say she loved him, of course, but would she truly?  Or would she live with him in fear, nursing a private grief for the life she had left behind.  Would she be happy at his side?  How could he know?

If he rode to her forest cottage in his royal carriage, with an armed escort waving bright banners, that too would overwhelm her.  He did not want a cringing subject.  He wanted a lover, an equal.  He wanted her to forget that he was a king and she a humble maiden and to let shared love cross over the gulf between them. 

'For it is only in love that the unequal can be made equal,' concluded Kierkegaard.  The king, convinced he could not elevate the maiden without crushing her freedom, resolved to descend.  He clothed himself as a beggar and approached her cottage incognito, with a worn cloak fluttering loosely about him.  It was no mere disguise, but a new identity he took on.  He renounced the throne to win her hand."

Yancey then goes on to quote a portion of Philippians 2, which has also been on my mind recently since we memorized in our discipleship group.

...Christ Jesus, Who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped.  But made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.  And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to death--even death on a cross.

My favorite Scripture to think upon at Christmas is Galatians 4:4-7:

"But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth His Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons.  And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, crying, 'Abba! Father!'  So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God."

As my pastor reminded us this Christmas, "If you ever wonder about God's love for you, yes, look to the cross...but even more so, look to the manger!"  God became one of us so that He could redeem us!  Everytime I am reminded and I take the time to really think on what this means, the Spirit helps me to grasp it just a little more.  Thanks be to God!

Books

It's been a little while since I've blogged, both on this blog and our family blog!  Life has just been busy.  I am ready to start catching up on things I enjoy...like blogging, working on creative projects and gifts, and reading.  I have read some books in the past couple of months that I wanted to share, though.

Her Mother's Hope and Her Daughter's Dream, both in the Marta's Legacy series, by Francine Rivers

I really enjoyed these two books.  They are fiction novels, however the story is based upon the author's own family story.  She wrote it after she became interested in learning more about her mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother's lives, even taking a trip back to their home country of Switzerland as part of her search.  The story is about mothers and daughters and the struggles they face in life.  It is certainly a story of redemption.  I became frustrated at times with the unrealistic time lapses the author had to put in the story in order to keep it as concise as possible, but other than that, I couldn't put the books down.

Choosing to SEE, by Mary Beth Chapman

I got a recommendation to read this book from my friend Miller's blog.  Wow.  This is by far one of the best books I've ever read...mainly because of the impact it had on me.  This is Steven Curtis Chapman's wife's memoir.  The book covers her life from childhood through present day, and it includes the story of the death of their daughter, Maria.  Mary Beth writes so authentically, which is the main reason I enjoyed the book so much.  There were moments that I was laughing out loud, and there were other moments where I was weeping so hard that I had to put the book down so that I could breath and see the pages again.  Mary Beth's faith and courage to trust God encouraged me so much.  I would HIGHLY recommend this book...just be warned, you are going to go through some crazy emotions if you read it!

One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp

My discipleship group decided we would read this book together, at our own pace.  I had a love/hate relationship with this book while I was reading it.  There were times that I really struggled to get through it, and there were other times that I couldn't put it down.  The author writes extremely poetically.  Her writing is quite beautiful, but for a person like myself who thinks very concretely, it is just one more hoop to jump through in order to get her meaning.  There were points in the book, though, where the poetic writing was not quite as heavy and I was able to move a little faster and identify with her more.  I found myself wanting to live her life-the life of a farm wife and mother- as I read about her watering and picking flowers from her garden at dawn, baking several loaves of bread for dinner, donning an apron as she began the day's chores, or cleaning up floors after her 6 children and husband came in with mud-covered shoes after working the farm.  I guess I should point out, the main idea of the book is the author's journey from a life of fear toward a life of gratitude by journaling God's gifts as she sees them throughout each day.  I have begun my own gratitude journal as a result of reading this book, and I have definitely discovered the benefit of it!  I am much more aware of my attitude and how easy it is for me to be afraid, to complain, and to just be ungrateful when I am surrounded by so many gifts I don't deserve.

The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, by Rebecca Skloot

While there were parts of this book that were very slow for me, I really enjoyed it and found the story to be fascinating.  The book is the true story of a woman whose cervical cancer cells were taken from her body during an exam in the 1950's without her knowledge and used in research.  The cells never died but just continued to multiply.  The cells were distributed and sold to research labs all over the world and used to develop vaccines, find cures for cancers, study AIDS, and many other medical breakthroughs.  Some labs even benefited financially from the cells.  However, the woman's family has lived in poverty for generations, not even able to go to the doctor for lack of money and insurance.  The book simply presents the facts and doesn't really seem to have an agenda, however very obviously the debate about whether or not doctors should be allowed to use a person's cells for research without consent is certainly addressed.  The story of Henrietta's family is fascinating.  I really did enjoy the book and would recommend it, especially to friends who enjoy things medical. 

I found all of these books at my local library...except for One Thousand Gifts, which I borrowed from a friend.

Happy reading, friends!



Blessings

"What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life, is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy?  And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?"

-from "Blessings" by Laura Story

Gratitude and Trust

When I first started reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, I really didn't think I would end up finishing it.  She writes very poetically, and I am not a very poetic person.  I really struggled to make it through the first few chapters.  However, this past week has definitely been the turning point for me.  I find myself being drawn back to this book every time I have a few moments free.  For those of you who haven't heard of the book, it is about a woman's journey into living a life of gratitude.  She began keeping a journal of things she is grateful for...gifts from God that she was intentionally looking for throughout her day.  She eventually chronicled 1000 of them, and has just continued on.

The reason the book has become so much more of a friend to me this week is because I made it to the chapter where she really talks a lot about her struggles with fear and anxiety.  She talks about fearing the future and whether or not God will provide for her family as the economy takes a turn for the worse.  She shares her struggles with a diagnosed anxiety disorder.  She shares her questions about why, if God is good, there are so many events in life that are not good.  She asks hard questions about really tough suffering that she, her family, and her friends have struggled through.  Reading her thoughts about this couldn't have come at a more perfect time for me!

One conclusion she came to is that gratitude and trust cannot be separated.  We will not trust God if we cannot look back and see how He's been faithful in the past.  The more we live gratefully, recognizing His gifts moment-by-moment, the more we will trust His faithfulness and goodness toward us in the future.  That makes so much sense to me.  Not that God really owes me a list of references or anything...but that is what keeping a record of His gifts would be like for me.  It's something to look back on a be reminded of---in this fallen, sinful world where suffering indeed exists, He has given me so many more gifts that I could have ever deserved.  He has provided when I doubted that He would.  Being intentional about looking for and recording His gifts to me could establish in my forgetful heart a pattern of His faithfulness and goodness...teaching me His character, what He is really like.

Here are a few more little tidbits from the book....my favorites that I want to remember:

...she's talking about hard situations of deep suffering...."Remember and give thanks?  For what?  What if remembering doesn't kindle gratitude?  What if remembering just leaves third-degree burns?....In the wait, memories blister.  And in the still, Spirit comes and He whispers a name.  Christ.  And I see a world through His lens:  'He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all--how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?' (Romans 8:32).  He gave us Jesus.  Jesus!  Gave Him up for us all.  If we have only one memory, isn't this one enough?  Why is this the memory I most often take for granted? He cut open the flesh of the God-Man and let the blood.  He washed our grime with the bloody grace.  He drove the iron ore through His own vein.  Doesn't that memory alone suffice?  Need there be anything more?  If God didn't withhold from us His very own Son, will God withhold anything we need?  If trust must be earned, hasn't God unequivocally earned our trust with the bark on the raw wounds, the thorns pressed into the brow, your name on the cracked lips?  How will He not also graciously give us all things He deems best and right?  He has already given the incomprehensible." (pg. 154)

"Trauma's storm can mask the Christ and feelings can lie...sometimes we don't fully see that in Christ, because of Christ, through Christ, He does give us all things good--until we have the perspective of years.  In time, years, dust settles.  In memory, ages, God emerges." (pg. 156)

"There is no joy without trust...'For no matter how many promises God has made, they are 'Yes' in Christ' (2 Corinthians 1:20).  Yes in Christ!  To the Enfleshed Yes who said yes to this moment and yes to last year's illness and yes to the cracks of my childhood and yes to the nail and yes to my name in the Book of Life, hear me say YES!  Not 'I'm worried.'  Not, 'I'm stressed out.'  Not 'I'm anxious.'  Not 'I'm too afraid.'  Hear me say thank you.  Hear me say YES!  Watch me live a life of yes.  To all that was and is and is to come.  The power of sin and death and fear-sent-from-Enemy are forever ended because we can trust in the bridge even if it's caving, in God even when it's black, in manna-nourishment even when we don't know what it is.  The God whom we thank for fulfilling the promises of the past will fulfill His promises again.  In Christ, the answer to the questions of every moment is always Yes.  The answer is always YES!"  (pg. 159)

Now, I don't feel quite as much passionate trust as she exemplied in that last quote...but I am praying that by God's grace and through the continued work of the Spirit within me I will!



Community Is a Must!

I am so thankful for community...especially in seasons of my walk with God like I am in now.  Over the past couple of days, as I have questioned, been angry, been anxious, etc. I have received so many different forms of encouragement from my husband and friends.  I've been reminded of God's character, His promises, His Word.  I've been reminded of who the Enemy is and how dead set he is on making sure I feel like an orphan who has been abandoned by God.  I've been gently pointed toward my self-righteousness, ingratitude, and unbelief.  I've been reminded of the Gospel....the Good News.

I still have a lot of questions, and I still hesitate to trust God because I still fear His will for my life.  I fear suffering.  I fear grief.  And as I was reminded last night by some dear women in my community, when I fear I immediately seek control.  When I fear I lose sight of gifts and blessings God has given me, which I don't even come close to deserving.  And, God is big enough for my fear, my ingratitude, my doubts, and my anger.  Jesus died for all of that, and God can handle it.  Because I am struggling, I can rest in knowing that He is at work.  If I had all of these doubts, fears and feelings of anger but didn't care to come to some resolution with God...then clearly I would not be in relationship with him.  The doubt and questioning is evidence that He is pursuing me....and I don't want to run....even though I'm scared.

Here's a couple of snippets from a book I am reading with some friends....the book is called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  It's about choosing gratitude.  I read a little bit this morning, and it stirred my heart.  I'm not going to say I had some divine conclusion to all my messiness...but it definitely stirred my heart.

"Why am I a habitual reductionist?  Why do I reduce God in this moment to mere annoying frustration?  Why do I reduce The Greatest to the lesser instead of seeing the lesser, this mess, as reflecting The Greatest?  I have to learn how to see, to look through to the Largeness behind all the smallness.  Isn't He here?"(pg. 128)

"In this wilderness, I keep circling back to this:  I'm blind to joy's well every time I really don't want it.  The well is always there.  And I choose not to see it.  Don't I really want joy?  Don't I really want the fullest life?  For all my yearning for joy, longing for joy, begging for joy--is the bald truth that I prefer the empty dark?  Prefer drama?  Why do I lunge for control instead of joy?  Is it somehow more perversely satisfying to flex control's muscle?  Ah--power--like Satan....If the startling truth is that I don't really want joy, there's a far worse truth.  If I am rejecting the joy that is hidden somewhere deep in this moment--am I not ultimately rejecting God?  Whenever I am blind to joy's well, isn't it because I don't believe in God's care?  That God cares enough about me to always offer me joy's water, wherever I am , regardless of circumstance.  But if I don't believe God cares, if I don't want or seek the joy He definitely offers somewhere in this moment--I don't want God." (pg. 130)

Questioning God

I often go through seasons of doubt and questioning in my walk with God...and I'm in one now.  Here was my prayer written in my prayer journal this morning:

"Lord, I am so full of doubt right now.  I am so confused about Who You are, who I am, and how we relate to each other and the world.  I know I am made to glorify You, and I know that I glorify You most when I enjoy You most.  But what about when You don't seem to be very enjoyable?  Like when You're silent, or when You allow horrible things to happen?  What can I trust You for in life?  Have You really promised to always provide for me and my family?  If so, why are there families who watch their children die of hunger or who live on the streets?  What if You decide that You would be most glorified by not providing for our needs?  How would that increase my joy and your glory?  I just don't understand.  I am so full of doubt and questions.  I am so scared of You because You allow horrible suffering in the lives of people who love You, follow You, and long to glorify You.  In Truth, I know that I'm not big enough, nor do I need, to protect myself from Your divine will in my life--but that's what I want to do.  I am so full of unbelief in Your goodness.  Father, help my unbelief!"

The reason I share this is because maybe you've had these questions before, too?  What is prompting these doubts is my fear and doubt that God will provide for us.  We are going to have to do some repair work on our house that will require using savings.  I seriously want to have a panic attack when I think about using our savings.  I don't want to have to trust God to provide...I want the security of knowing we have a safety net "just in case."   Anyway, this is leading me to ask questions like:  "Does God really promise to provide?"  and "Does God really promise to protect His people?"  "Why do we pray for God's protection and provision, because he obviously allows believers to go without things they need and to come into harm?"  "How does God's glory and His goodness toward us coexsist?"  Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments!  I would love to know what you think.

A Gift

Last night was such a gift.  Daniel and I had decided a few days ago that last night was going to be the night that we sat down to look at our budget...ugh.  We use an online budgeting system, Crown Mvelopes, that we like for many reasons....but for the past several weeks as I have been using it I have grown increasingly frustrated with some errors that kept occurring that were preventing me from being able to keep it current and in "real time."  As I was preparing dinner last night and trying to tell Daniel about it, I started going into one of my little complaining rants...yes, a mere 2 days after our pastor preached an incredible sermon about complaining...sigh.  So, what normally happens during one of my complaining rants is I will start complaining about something I'm frustrated about, get more frustrated about it as I complain, complain more, get more frustrated, get angry at Daniel because he's trying to give me another perspective on the problem, start predicting the future and getting angry/fearful about how this problem is going to ultimately ruin our lives, expect Daniel to tell me what steps we are going to take to keep said problem from ruining our lives, etc.  This is where Daniel and I often end up in a big ole' argument because by this point, I am refusing to see any perspective other than my own and he is just plain ticked off with that. 

Well, last night was different, and it was such a gift.  So, picking up where I left off.  I started complaining about how our budgeting software never updates correctly anymore and it's never current and how are we ever going to be able to track our spending and use it the way it's supposed to be used if it's never current and blah, blah, blah.  I could tell Daniel was starting to get a little frustrated with me, but he remained calm and started talking about how there must be something wrong in the way we have it set up rather than with the software itself because if it's been going on this long they would have had a release by now that would have fixed it, and then he said something about a "code fix" and I just busted out laughing, slowly walked over to him, hugged him and said, "I love that you know that."  Of course he knows about these things!  Have I forgotten that my husband is a software support expert just promoted to team lead, for goodness sake?  So, Daniel looked a little taken aback for just a second, like he was thinking, "Is this really happening?  Is she really laughing?"  Then, he just started laughing, too, and we just laughed.  I told him how thrilled I was that maybe he could fix this issue and maybe our lives weren't going to come to ruin by this little software problem.  And you know what?  He did fix it, in a matter of just a few minutes.  And now it is current and I feel like a new woman as I think about sitting down to assign some transactions later today.

The reason all of this was a gift is because it was so redemptive.  I am not someone who laughs easily in the middle of a complaining rant.  It's just usually like trying to get a bill passed in Congress to try to get me to change my perspective when I'm feeling frustrated and angry.  But God blessed us with His grace and allowed me to see another view, to see my husband's strengths and knowledge as being useful and needed by me, and to laugh.  And he blessed Daniel with the grace to show me patience and to want to use his knowledge to help me, when solving another software issue was probably the last thing he wanted to do last night! And, who would have guessed, one of my complaining rants actually led to us having a lot of fun together last night. Thank you, Jesus!

Someone Bigger, Part II

So, Daniel and I attended the last session of the parenting seminar we have been a part of for the last three weeks just last night.  It was so wonderful!  We both agreed that it was such a breath of fresh air and caused us to walk away feeling so much more at rest and hopeful in the work of the Gospel, as opposed to feeling fearful and burdened with how were are going to raise our child (and Lord willing, future children).  But you know what, I learned so much more about myself and my relationship with God through this seminar than I did about being a mother to John, which is probably a really good thing for my parenting!  Going along with the theme of self-reliance being exposed in my heart, I really began to see such a parallel in the way that God relates to me and the way He would have me relate to my child.  One of the main points that Gordon taught about discipline was this:  "Discipline is not hurting your child after they have done something wrong, it is leading them away from self-reliance towards trust in someone bigger (parents first and then the Lord)."  And no worries, he did say that this doesn't mean that pain is not ever to be used as a disciplinary tool!  He reminded us that discipline is not just punishment...it is really how you "do life" with your child/ren.  One easy example he gave, that really helped me get his point, was that giving your child 2 options to choose between for breakfast rather than just saying, "What do you want to eat this morning?" is discipline....because you are leading the child rather than the child leading you.  The overall picture we got from the entire series is that training our children to trust in someone bigger has a lot more to do with how the family does life as whole than it does with what disciplinary methods, tools, etc you are trying to follow.  He talked a lot about how often it is fear that drives a parent's discipline...fear of the child's behavior and where it will lead them in the future.  This often leads to rigid discipline that doesn't make room for the child's bent, situation, age, etc.  I see this in myself!  When John disobeys, I get scared and think, "I have to do something about this!"  Not really because I am concerned about God, but because I am concerned that if I don't fix his behavior, then he's not going to (I hate to say it this way, but....) "turn out" the way I want him to.  So, I've been thinking.  Do I really want John to obey?  Do I want John to JUST obey?  Do I really just desire that every time I tell him to do something, he do it like a robot because I have used whatever variety of cause/effect disciplinary tools to train him to do as I say?  Or, do I want John to pay attention to me?  I am seeing now that there is a really big difference between the two.  One involves a lot more relationship, trust, and unknowns.  I want him to pay attention to Daniel and I...to see us as the ones in his life that are bigger than him.  This is what will lead to obedience from the heart.  I want him to get a sense of how dependent he is on us, because later as his own relationship with the Lord (by God's grace alone) begins to flourish it will feel natural for him to feel dependent and trust Someone bigger than him. 

We learned a lot about how our marriage and the ways we are allowing God to use each other to expose our "blind spots" to each other, as well as the ways that we simply relate to John and give him room to be himself (with boundaries, of course...I'm not getting crazy "out there" or anything) as we listen and share life with him have a lot to do with fostering this kind of trust.  If he only learns to obey, then that leaves a lot more room as he gets older and smarter and more exposed to his flesh and the world, to go his own way...because he would have no sense of his place in relation to God....other than seeing God has Someone in authority who has rules to follow (leaving the two options for him to respond by either being as compliant as a pharisee or rebellious).  God doesn't want us to just obey Him...He wants us to trust Him, to rely on Him, to look to Him, and to keep our eyes on Him as we navigate our way through this world.  That is what I am learning about myself.  I have learned how to follow the rules, and I fail constantly....then I beat myself up and feel unloved by God until I get better.  I try harder, and rely on myself more. 

I don't want to just want to obey God, and just "get it right."  I want to follow Him.  And Daniel and I want this for our son, too.  What I am learning, is that just like everything else on the journey of walking with Christ goes, there isn't a set method that will get me there.  There is just praying, trusting, repenting, believing, and seeking....and waiting.  The waiting is the hard part, remembering that we are not raising our child, really...we are simply God's vessel.  God is the only one who can truly affect change in our child's heart.  Nothing we can do can make his flesh go away and his spirit come alive.  His heart is full of foolishness, and he will, just like his parents, be fighting (Lord, please!) against that foolishness his entire life!  Our job is to help him see that foolishness for what it is and to help him learn to trust in God to change it to wisdom.  Our child is not going to learn to "obey" overnight....he will grow just as awkwardly and slowly as the rest of us have in our own walks with Christ.  Our prayer is that as he does, God will regenerate his heart that he will never know a day when he didn't walk with the Lord.  And we pray that in each moment, in each situation, in the family times we have together, the Lord will give Daniel and I hearts that are dependent on Someone bigger to guide us moment by moment in how to discipline, love, enjoy, and guide the little guy he has entrusted to our care, that by God's grace trusting in Someone bigger than him would feel even more comfortable than home.  And Daniel and I agree, if one day we can talk about our child/ren giving the tender, beautiful examples that Gordon was able to share about his 3 daughters...we will be blessed beyond expectation.

I am so thankful for the picture God is giving me of what He wants my relationship with Him to look like as I learn about parenting John....that I need to learn just as much about paying attention to Him as John needs to learn to pay attention to his parents.  It is so easy for me to want a formula to plug myself into so that I can do parenting the right way...but that doesn't require much paying attention or trust, because it doesn't leave me with any unknown territory.  I am just as self-reliant as my child, and I am thankful beyond words for the patience and endurance of the Lord as he gently guides me away from that into trusting and relying on Him more.  Lord, please apply all that I am learning to my heart!

Someone Bigger

God has definitely been exposing even more something that I've known about myself for a while...and I'm getting the message loud and clear!  It began as most exposure does in marriage between believers...during arguments.  When Daniel and I have conflict it is often due to money or communication.  Recently, it has been money.  I am so fearful and want to know how we are going to pay for everything I can envision needing in the future....right now.  Daniel isn't wired that way...it seems so much easier for him to live day to day, responsibly, and trust the Lord to provide.  Sure, there's sin on his part, too, but I'm just saying that trusting God to provide for our needs is something that comes much more quickly for Daniel than it does for me.  And nothing gets to him more than me being pushy and trying to make him tell me how we are going to provide for our own needs.  Anyway, I'll spare you the details.  Suffice it to say, I have come away from many arguments realizing that I don't really trust God to take care of me and our family.  Then, I told you about meeting Sonil last week.  When I told him that I would be afraid to share Christ on my job for fear of losing my job and not being able to provide for my family....and he replied by reminding me so kindly that I don't provide for my family anyway....can I say I felt a little bit exposed?  A couple evenings later Daniel and I had a counseling appointment (yes, we see a counselor from time to time for little marriage "check-ups," in case you don't know we are big fans of counseling...no shame in admitting we're all messed up and in need of help!).  Anyway, we were talking about parenting...specifically our (ahem...my) fears about how our decisions as parents will affect John in the future.  And what did our counselor point us to?  Bingo. We cannot rely on ourselves to produce some desired result in our child/ren.  God is raising our children....we are simply His vessel.  The more we step out of the way and trust God to be the One to form, change, and soften our child's heart, the more rest we will experience as parents and believers.  We are learning even more about this in the parenting seminar we are attending, which began last night, also by our counselor.  And lastly, I am reading a novel right now....Her Mother's Hope, by Francine Rivers.  The main character in it, Marta, brings chills to my spine sometimes because I can see myself in her character so much....and I don't like what I see.  Because of some childhood wounds she experienced she has learned to rely on herself...and it has made her a very hard woman.  She is constantly doing battle with herself because she wants so badly to show those she loves, especially her daughter, how much she does love them...but she also wants to make sure her daughter grows up strong, not feeling dependent on anyone, and able to stand up for herself.  In the process of doing this, she only hurts those she loves the most.  Her fears for the future cause her to work even harder and require more work from her loved ones.  No one can rest around her....physically, emotionally, or spiritually.  And she refuses to let those who she loves the most....and who could therefore hurt her the most...get any closer than she will allow.

Now, the point of all of this rambling is just to say that I am becoming even more aware of how incredibly self-reliant my flesh wants me to be.  Evil really wants me to believe that results in life are up to me...or the earthly people I share life with...and that God is not going to come through for me.  I see it in so many areas of my life.  I am learning that it is only by doing what feels scary and risky...trusting God...that I will find true rest.  And as Sonil so confidently assured me, even though it may feel like it, there is no risk in trusting God with my life and the lives of those I love!  There is a point where being responsible and faithful turns wicked and becomes forgetting God and worshipping self.  I pray that God will give me grace to believe, just as He has shown me grace in exposing my sin, that Jesus died for my unbelief.  I don't have to try to fix it myself by reading books or listening to sermons about faith.  I am struggling to believe that if I will just rest and wait, in time I will look back and see where the Holy Spirit has brought me.  I don't have to try so hard because there's Someone bigger (borrowed from Gordon Bals' definition of discipline) than me Who's got it all under control.

Unexpected Encouragment

Yesterday afternoon I had what you might call a "divine appointment" with the contractor who was picking up our old cable equipment.  I had been waiting around the house all day for the equipment to be picked up and was starting to think my usual cynical thoughts about how unreliable this particular company was.  I was surprised when around 3:30pm a man pulled up in front of my house in an old un-marked truck with a very loud engine, got out and started walking toward my front door.  Turns out it was, in fact, the equipment retriever.  He went about his business checking to make sure I was returning the same equipment that was given to me, filling out paperwork, and having me sign.  As he was gathering everything to head out the door he asked me, "And ma'am, may I ask you a direct question?"  I said, "Sure," thinking this was where I was going to have to give my spiel about why we were choosing to discontinue this service, etc.  He asked me while looking directly in my face, "Do you know your Creator?"  Rather taken aback, I paused and said, "Yes, yes I do!"  He then said, "So you know the Lord Jesus Christ?" I reassured him that I did in fact know Jesus and believe in Him as Lord.  He responded by telling me to "seek Him like never before" and to never stop praying and asking for His guidance and He will be there.  His name was Sonil.

I asked him how he came to know the Lord, and he told me the story of how a man from Israel came to his country, India, and shared Christ with him.  He gave his life to the Lord at that time, although he fell away from following Christ during his teen years.  He came to America when he was 20 looking for opportunity, but as he was flying into JFK he said he just heard the Lord telling him that none of "this" (meaning the wealth and opportunity available to him in America) would satisfy him like he was hoping.  He was living in an apartment in NYC with 8 other people and working at a fast food restaurant when one night he got on his knees and prayed, "Lord, I don't want to obey you and serve you.  I don't believe you.  If you are real and if you love me, You are going to have to show me."  And as he said, "the rest is history."  He told me of how just a couple of years ago he had lost everything and didn't have a penny to his name.  He was broken and unable to help himself, in his own words.  The Lord provided a man from Auburn, AL who called him and offered to let him come live in a trailer that he would provide, gave him the truck he was driving, and some money to get him started.  Sonil took the trailer and the truck, but he said he hasn't used the money because he knows he won't need it...God will meet his needs.  He told me to never doubt that God would be there, because God has done things for him in his life that "cannot be explained by a human."  He knows He is real and that He loves him.  He told me, "Jesus Christ died for my sin and took my punishment upon himself.  I cannot fathom why He would do that...for ME," as she shook his head in disbelief. 

As he was getting ready to leave, he asked me to pray with him.  He prayed for me, my husband, our children (he didn't know we only have John), and our home...that it would be protected from Evil and a place where Christ is exalted.  He asked me to pray for him, and I did.  In my prayer I thanked God for Sonil's courage to share his faith while on his job, even though it is risky, among other things.  When I was finished, Sonil looked me square in the face and said with a huge smile on his face, "Sister Duski, there is no risk for me. What can happen to me that the Lord cannot take care of?"  I told him he just amazed me because I would be afraid of losing my job and not being able to provide for my family....to which he replied, "Remember sister, you are not the one who provides for your family.  God is," as he continued smiling with confidence and pointing to heaven.  He reminded me that God has not promised I will not suffer while following Him, but He has promised that He will take care of me.  He told me of a customer just the other day who said to him, "Your job is not to ask me these questions.  Your job is to pick up my equipment and leave.  You could lose your job for this."  He said he replied to her, "No ma'am, my first job is to make sure you know that Jesus is Lord.  This is just my second job that the Lord has provided to meet my needs.  I don't care very much about losing it, but I do care whether or not you know the Lord."  She didn't have a response for him.

As Sonil left, I told him how refreshing it was to talk with him, and how much his faith had encouraged me.  I can honestly say I have never met a stranger who felt so much like family.  I felt the Body of Christ.  There was no doubt that he was my brother.  The joy, peace, and confidence that were in his words, facial expressions, and posture were undeniable, and I simply cannot do it justice with words.  He left my home leaving me with a hunger for the faith that he had...the kind of faith that was sure of God's existence, love, and provision, and ultimately was sure of Heaven...all things that I struggle so hard to truly believe.  I know that I cannot "bootstrap" my way into having the faith that God has given to Sonil, but oh, today I desire it.  And even as I say that, I fear what God would allow in my life to grant me such faith.

Memory Book

We wanted to do something to remember the baby we recently lost.  We thought about planting a tree, but with the way that green things die under our care, we didn't know if that would be the wisest option for us.  Shutterfly recently offered us a free book, so we decided this would be perfect!  It is amazing how therapeutic it was for me to create this book.  It really helped me to rest in knowing that our baby would not be forgotten by our family.  Take a peek, if you like.

Click here to view this photo book larger

Why All the Status Updates?

Ok, I am going to try to keep this brief, but I am going to dip my toe into a subject that could turn out to be a little bit sensitive in our day...Facebook, and particularly status updates.  I am reading a fabulous novel right now, one of those where you get to know the heroine so well that you feel like you are living her life with her as her best friend.  Anyway, I read this quote just this morning...and my thoughts from that point on brought me to this post:

"Rosie had always been a wonderful friend, but there was an unconscious insensitivity in the way she shared her joy.  Each time Marta read one of her letters, she felt as though salt were being poured over her wounds." (Rivers in Her Mother's Hope, pg.111)

For background, Marta is a wounded young woman living as a servant in Europe in the early 1900's.  She longs to be married with children, but is too afraid to open herself up to such hope.  Rosie is her best friend who has just recently been married and had her first baby, and she has been writing letters to Marta that are filled with what her new baby is doing and how happy she is as her husband's wife. 

The reason my mind went straight to Facebook and posting status updates is because I have often wondered, even before I read the quote this morning, if without intending to and without thinking I have ever caused a friend more pain, fear, or anger through what I have posted on Facebook...especially when I post cute things that I love about my little boy, or how wonderful my husband is.  How do the multiple status updates about being a mom affect my friends who are battling infertility or miscarriage?  How do status updates about how thoughtful my husband is affect my friend who wants to love and respect her husband, but struggles because he is not very thoughtful?  How do my postings about natural childbirth affect friends who ended up with a C-section and quietly feel guilty or resent it?  How do postings about choices I make in nutrition for my family affect friends who already battle feelings of guilt in this area, even though they are providing well for their families? How do my postings about my faith portray the Gospel and God Himself?  And the list could go on.

Why do I write Facebook status updates?  There are so many reasons.  Often, I am simply just wanting to share something that I found enjoyable with my friends.  And at times, I am feeling very thankful and blessed, and I want share my gratitude publicly.  Status updates about my little boy are most likely the result of me really enjoying being a mom for the first time, and being naive to the fact that most of my "friends" are not going to enjoy my post as much as I do for various reasons.  When I share things that have encouraged me in my faith, I am often desiring for other believing friends to be encouraged as well.  However, I'm going to be honest (this blog is called, "Getting Real," for goodness sake), there are times my motivation is not so pure.  There is a lot of arrogance wrapped up in some of those postings.  Sometimes I am feeling pretty proud of the blessings in my life and wanting to world to know...because then they will think really good things about me, right?  They will think I am a model mother and wife with an amazing husband.  They will think I have really got my act together.  Of course, I would never admit this to myself or anyone else at the time, but when I really think about it, the yuckiness of that arrogance is in there.  Most often, probably, I am feeling a little disconnected and lonely at home with a toddler, and posting updates and waiting to read comments dulls the ache I am feeling for some rich community.  And sometimes, I am innocently posting something that I find enjoyable...not arrogantly, but maybe with insensitivity to my audience.  I need to remember that I have a couple hundred "friends" on Facebook who could possibly see my updates, and I should consider whether the risk of deepening someones pain or igniting anger they are trying to fight is worth me sharing my joy.  Maybe, when I am feeling lonely, I should just pick up the phone and call a friend, drop by a friend's house to help her with a project, or invite a friend over to do the same with me so that we can enjoy authentic community, instead of settling for the counterfeit of comment threads?  Maybe when I am boasting in myself and the choices I make in life, I should stop and count my blessings and acknowledge the Source?

Anyway, I am not going to do a "Facebook strike" or anything, because I think Facebook can be a good thing.  I am just thinking for me, like everything else in life, it needs to be tempered with a lot of sensitivity, thought and awareness.  I certainly don't want to imply that just the act of posting updates about our lives on Facebook is anything to feel guilty about.  And just because I am considering these things doesn't mean everyone should.  But, maybe you've thought about this, too?

Remembering 9/11

I will never forget where I was the morning of September 11, ten years ago today.  I was taking a test in my Mental Health Nursing class.  Our professor came in and told us what had happened, and I remember that some of us thought she was making it up as part of the class somehow.  We soon realized it was no illustration, but that it was most certainly for real.  My classmates started dialing their cell phones in the hallway, trying to reach family members and friends who were either in the NY area or in the military.  We were dismissed early, and most of us went straight to our dorm rooms to sit in front of the news all day long, watching it all unfold.  I remember being struck that I take for granted the fact that I am privileged and blessed to live in a "secure" and "safe" country where terrorist attacks don't happen.  I remember being scared that this was the beginning of a major war that would possible jeopardize the future safety of us all.  I remember being numb and without emotion at first as we watched the number of people killed just continue to rise.  I do actually remember my roommate (and close friend) and I talking about the men who carried out these attacks, and how sad it was that they were willing to die for a lie...and that they died without Jesus....and also how hard it was to feel compassion for them.  Only God's grace can provide such compassion.  Side note:  It's funny, though, how people who don't believe as I do probably think it's sad that I might be willing to die for what they believe is a lie, too. 

I saw this quote on John Piper's Facebook page this afternoon, and it struck me to the core:



Jesus' sure word to me on 9/11: Do not be amazed that the towers fell. Be amazed that they didn't fall on you. (Luke 13:1-5)

And here's what Luke 13:1-5 says:

¹There were some present at that very time who told him about the Galileans whose blood Pilate had mingled with their sacrifices. ²And he answered them, "Do you think that these Galileans were worse sinners than all the other Galileans, because they suffered in this way? ³No, I tell you; but unless you repent, you will all likewise perish. ⁴Or those eighteen on whom the tower in Siloam fell and killed them: do you think that they were worse offenders than all the others who lived in Jerusalem? ⁵No, I tell you; but unless you repent, you will all likewise perish."

Wow.  Now that's certainly food for thought...straight from the Word of God.  There are so many theories out there about "Why would this happen?"  And I am sure there are those that think God caused this to happen as a way of punishing sinners.  Who knows.  I don't believe that is the case, but I certainly am not going to try to claim to understand the ways of God. Isaiah 55:8-9

⁸For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
   neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.
⁹ For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
   so are my ways higher than your ways
   and my thoughts than your thoughts.

I don't believe the Scripture from Luke is emphasizing the fact that those who were killed deserved what happened to them because of their sin.  What struck me, and I believe what we all need to understand, is that when you get right down to it, I deserved to be killed by those planes or by the falling rubble of the towers as they came crashing down.  It is only God's grace and mercy that saved me and anyone else that is still walking around on this Earth.  And, it is only God's grace and mercy that caused those who died in Christ that day to stand before Holy God boldly knowing they would be with Him for eternity.  This Scripture is not a warning to repent or you will have something horrible happen to you while you are living on the Earth...in my interpretation.  It is a warning to stop judging, stop seeing yourself as being more deserving of the good things in your life than those around you, and repent of your self-reliance...because unless you acknowledge your need for Christ, when you die, you will perish.  Now, I am assured I will be with God in eternity because I have put my hope in Christ, so I am not concerned that I have to please God or perish.  But, this verse is definitely a huge reminder to me of where I would be apart from Christ.  I am not even close to being as able to save myself and please God as I oftentimes think I am.  It is a reminder to me of how self-reliant I often am, and how in need I am of a Savior.  Oh, how I need these reminders.  I do pray that as America remembers 9/11 and ponders again where God is in suffering, our hearts will be graciously pointed back to our need for Christ.  He alone is our hope.

Friends

While talking on the phone with a good friend of mine the other day, I was telling her about how my best friend uses her singleness, as well as her unique gifts and interests, to serve others.  I was telling about how she stocked my freezer with homemade meals after we lost our baby, and how she said it was her joy to do it because she doesn't have a family of her own for which to cook.  My friend (to whom I was talking at the time), paused and said with great passion, "Duski, you are so blessed to have such amazing friends!"  Can I get an, "amen!"?  Seriously, my friend just reminded me of something I have already thanked God for many times...but can never be reminded of enough.  I am so blessed by the community God has provided for me.  Let me just tell you that I have not prepared ONE MEAL for our little family since the day we found out the baby no longer had a heartbeat...and that was 3 weeks ago!  I have had so many friends brings us meals, come spend time with me at our house so that I didn't have to be alone, go to follow up appointments with me, re-organize and help declutter my closets, call or email to let me know they are thinking about and praying for us, listen to me talk about my feelings just one more time, answer questions about this experience, or call just to say, "hello."  We have friends offer to watch John for us for doctor's appointments, or just so that we can have some time together.  I seriously don't know what in the world I would do without community and the gift of friendship.  This has been one of the hardest events in life that I have ever experienced...just a very unique kind of grief.  But it would have been exponentially harder if we would have had to walk through it alone.  I am so thankful for the hearts of my friends, who are willing to give up their time, comfort, resources, and agendas to help carry this burden with us.  This is why, even though it's not always easy and not always "comfortable," it is SO good to be vulnerable and let your needs be known.  It gives you the opportunity to see how much you are loved and cared about...I believe ultimately by God through community.  I pray that I will also demonstrate the love of God poured out upon me by giving of my own time and resources to my friends when they are in need.  But for now, oh, I am just so grateful.

Books

I really enjoy reading.  I think I'm gonna try to regularly write a little personal "review" of what I've read.  I'm gonna write a little today about the two most recent novels I read.  Side note...I'm reading novels right now at the encouragement of my couselor who told me in so many words that it would be good for me to just enjoy some good novels for a little while instead of bombarding my head with so many different opinions and standards by reading "responsible" books.  I am REALLY enjoying it!  So, thanks Gordon!

The Passion of Mary-Margaret by Lisa Samson

I so enjoyed this book!  This is the fourth of Samson's books that I have read, and I still consider her to be such a breath of fresh air in the Christian fiction genre.  Her books are so real...everything doesn't always end up happily-ever-after, and sometimes what's broken doesn't get fixed in a way that makes you feel all bubbly inside.  Rather, what's broken gets redeemed, but not necessarily the way you would think it would...and there's a lot of struggle along the way...kinda like in life.  It's actually about a woman who is trying to fulfill her mother's dream of becoming a religious (what we would call a nun).  She falls in love with a broken man. She later finds out a lot about his childhood and the scars he has carried with him along the way, as she follows Jesus' call to love him as he is.  There are times I would find myself having a hard time feeling a connection with the main character just because her relationship with Jesus was so real that it seemed unrealistic-and I wasn't sure I agreed with some of the extreme conclusions she came to...but I loved the tenderness and closeness between Mary-Margaret and Jesus that Samson portrayed.  I also was challenged to live a life more in line with the example Jesus lived...a life that is willing to die to my own desires, comfort, and reputation in order to love all people well...not just those whose lives look like mine. Here's a few snippets from the book...all are Mary-Margaret talking:

"I confess, sometimes I still think some things are too hard for God.  I mean, deep down I think that.  But thankfully there's an even deeper down.  Unfortunately, crawling down into that well hurts like the devil because we know God can do something and yet doesn't, and we don't have many choices after that realization, and none of them are one hundred percent easy breezy." (she's talking about the hard circumstances of her life and why God allowed them to happen)

"Lord, how I need some changing. I guess I've just become stuck in a rut and for some reason ruts don't lead you down the wild pathways where you trust God in ways you don't on the beaten path."

"Most of us are under the delusion if we can simply convince somebody they're wrong, they'll turn away from their error.  But arguments cost nothing.  Only love and faith are up for such a task.  Faith I had, at least a little.  But love--who did I really love in such a manner?  Did I know how to love as Jesus loved?  Giving myself completely to one who didn't deserve a bit of it, not just because it was the right thing to do but because I was so filled with love and grace I couldn't help myself?  Can anybody love like that?"

Handle With Care by Jodi Picoult

I picked this up at the libary at the recommendation of my pediatric nursing journal.  It is a book about a young girl with osteogenesis imperfecta, a very rare genetic disorder that leaves the bones so brittle that in some cases they can break with just a sneeze.  The plot centers around a lawsuit that the girl's mother is pursuing to get money so that she can provide the opportunities her daughter needs to have the best life possible.  Insurance doesn't cover most of the devices, therapies, and care that her daughter could benefit from...and their family is already struggling to make ends meet as it is.  This book deals with the controverisal issue of abortion, as well as the day-to-day struggles of the family of a child with a chronic medical condition. You see how a chronic illness can potentially tear a family apart.  While this was a secular book and did not come from a Christian perspective, I did think a lot about God and what I believe while I read it.  I saw how desperate we are for Christ in the midst of suffering...and how without him, faith in him, and commitment to His calling to value life, marriage, and children we are only left to ourselves and most likely brokenness and misery.  I'm sure not everyone would take away from this book what I did, however I do think it was a great book that allowed you to come away from it with your own thoughts and conclusions.  I didn't really feel that the author had a pushy agenda to get a message across about a subject that is certainly controversial.  While it wasn't one of my all time favorites, it is definitely one that I would recommend to someone who is certain about what they believe and is looking for a good page-turner to enjoy.

Prayer, Control, and Grief

I remember having an "a-ha" moment about my prayer life a few weeks ago, before we lost our baby.  We had known from our first ultrasound at 7 weeks that there were concerns with the pregnancy and the baby's growth, so I had a lot of reasons to be fighting against worry and anxiety piled on top of the normal anxiety a woman already feels in the early weeks of pregnancy.  I found myself praying a lot more, which isn't surprising since it usually takes me being in a situation where the illusion of control is removed from me before I will really feel the need to pray.  As if I am not completely in need of a savior and at the mercy of Sovereign God at all times.  What was enlightening to me, though, was when I really took a look at the content of my prayers for the baby.  I would pray something like this:

Dear Father, I pray that you would be with our baby and watch over his/her growth and development.  Please help the baby to develop normally, without any problems.  Please sustain this pregnancy and let me go to full term.  But, if there are major problems with the baby's development and it would be best for the baby not to go full term, then please let that happen....

And so on.  Can you see it in there....how I still slipped in the control I think I have over my own life and the lives of those I love?  It's like I thought I had to cover all of my bases or something, just in case God was trying to "slip one past me" by answering my prayer for a full term pregnancy but still not giving me what I was hoping for.  I truly was treating God like a vending machine...like I knew best and He was there to serve me.  I feel quite sure we all do this at times.  It's just so hard to truly submit your life to a God who is loving and good, yes, but who is also so completely unpredictable...and who is so good that He will, unlike us earthly parents, always give His children the best...even if it means allowing them to hurt in order to receive the best.  Why is suffering so necessary?  Can't a God who is so freakin' huge and so powerful and so in control create a world where we could get "what's best" without all the suffering?  You would think so.  And actually He could, because He can do anything.  But after having walked with Jesus for 15 or 20 years now, and looking back on the pattern of my life and relationship with him, I'm not so sure I would still be walking with Him if I hadn't suffered.  My own sin just gets in the way (refer back to the first paragraph..."it usually takes the illusion of control being removed before I feel the need to pray").  If I didn't suffer and go through situations in this life that revealed to me that I can't do life on my own...I would have absolutely no need for God.  If He didn't allow me to suffer, He would essentially be allowing me to live under the false assumption that I can make life work well without Him.  I would have a good easy life...but I wouldn't have Him.  In my own self-centeredness and pride, I want to respond to that by saying, "well, so what? Just leave me alone God...why are you so concerned with me needing you?"  I think it's because He knows that the only way I will experience true joy and the deepest rest in my soul is by being reminded of my need for Him and returning to him...laying down my own "control."  And it is...I've experienced it.  What makes me so mad, though, is that it seems so arrogant on His part to create a world where the only way the people He's created can experience the greatest joy is by submitting to him!  And that just exposes even more of my flesh and sin...and how much I am not like God.  The reason it works that way is because He is the creator...therefore, He is the only One deserving of such worship (Isaish 64:8, Romans 9: 19-21).  Who He is alone should cause me to worship Him...even if He never did one good thing for me.  And He does so much good for me.  In fact, even the suffering is good, because it does lead me back to my greatest joy.  It reminds me that I'm not in control at all, like I think I am...and that even though God's Sovereignty is scary, He has promised that He is always working all things for my good (Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 29:11).  Even though this is no comparison, in my earthly mind it reminds me of how hard it would be for a parent to not rescue their child from spending a night in jail, or hitting the rock bottom of a drug addiction, knowing that this is the only way to bring about the best chance for a good outcome for their child.  In such a scenario, the child would be seen as "rebellious" and the parents would be seen as "loving, waiting, forgiving."  Well, that is exactly what I am...all the time...rebellious.  My flesh doesn't want to worship God...it wants to worship myself.  But, I do know that worshipping and relying on myself only leads to more misery (something else I've experienced)....but worshipping and submitting to the One who created me leads to the greatest rest and joy my heart has ever known.  If I hadn't experienced such joy, there is no way I would say such a seemingly absurd thing...I would just curse Him and go on about life on my own.  I don't believe that God allowed my baby to die before being born because of my rebellion and sin...if that were the case, then Jesus died for nothing.  The Gospel says that all of God's wrath was poured out on Christ for me, so there is no punishment left for my sin (Colossians 2:14)..."It is finished (John 19:30)."  But somehow and for some reason, He did allow me to experience the evil and fallen nature of this world through the loss of this pregnancy knowing that it would bring about more good in my life than I would have experienced had He not allowed it to happen.  Anyway, just a few things I have been thinking about as I have continued to grieve this loss.

Tomorrow He Might Drop His Fork

One morning a couple of weeks ago, John handed me his fork when he was finished using it and said, "All done."  This meant so much to me that I actually wrote it down so that I would remember to write about it.  Why in the world would such a seemingly meaningless thing affect me so?  Well, this is something we have been working on.  John had been in the habit, as most toddlers do go through this phase, of tossing his fork onto the floor just to see it fall and see what I would do.  I would tell him, "John, when you are all done with your fork you can give it to Mommy and say, "all done" instead of throwing it on the floor."  If this continued happening more than a couple of times, I would say, "Ok, if you throw your fork again, Mommy will take it away and you will have to use your fingers."  You see, he really likes being a big boy and using his fork, so he doesn't particularly like having it taken away.  Let's just say, he usually ends up using his fingers, and not being too thrilled for a moment.  So, when he handed me his fork and said, "all done," without any prompting from me, I was overjoyed.  I told him what a good job he did, and he was just smiling and so proud of himself for remembering.  Here's why I was so excited.  I see growth in obedience as a process...not something that is learned overnight.  I wondered if maybe God feels the same way I did with John that day when I choose to respond kindly to my husband in a moment of frustration, rather than snapping...just because it is such a struggle for me when I am stressed....or when I choose to let go of my need to control and just rest in my circumstances.  I'm sure He doesn't, because He is nothing like me...but I like to think that maybe He smiles in those moments, too.  I know that just like my path towards growing in obedience looks more like a roller coaster than it does like a mountain, my son will have many ups and downs along the way, too.  That is why I pray that God will guide me in each moment like this to know how to respond and train my child with grace and truth...because even though he handed it to me today, tomorrow he might drop his fork.

Because everybody else is doing it?

So, I am starting another blog...hesitantly.  Why I am doing this?  There are several reasons:

• I am a verbal processor.  My husband and whatever friend I am with at the moment usually receive the effects of my being this way.  I think that maybe after 5 years of marriage Daniel understands a little more often that everything that comes out of my mouth does not need to be taken as a fact or as a statement...but more as a consideration, or a thought.  Bless his heart.  I talk a lot....seriously, a lot.  And he listens so well.  Just in case you didn't know, usually when you talk a lot, you don't listen very well...unless you're much further in your character growth than I am!  Anyway, I also process thoughts well through writing, when talking isn't an option, and I used to journal pretty regularly.  But, in the age of computers, I can type my thoughts much more quickly and with less hand cramping than I can write them...so, I thought I'd give it a whirl.
• My husband and friends have encouraged me by pointing out to me that God has gifted me in certain ways that have led to them being encouraged by hearing my thoughts.  So, even though it is hard for me to believe that because to me my thoughts are way too messed up to be encouraging most of the time, I thought I would step out there and trust that maybe they are telling me the truth!  Seriously, I believe there is a very fine line to walk between arrogantly thinking you have something to say (which I sadly do often...goes along with my personality and my flesh), and also knowing that your imperfect arrogant self can be used by God if you will put yourself out there...imperfections, arrogance, and all.
• I'm excited about being able to choose a blog background and color scheme that I don't have to try to make gender neutral!  I always have to think about that with our family blog...but not with this one!
• It will be fun to have a blog that I can just write on...without the need to post pictures and videos.
• Hopefully this is will also give me an outlet to share not only my thoughts, but also fun things that I enjoy doing with my time.
• Not to replace community.  My fear is that blogging my thoughts will decrease my desire to have an actual conversation with a friend, or my husband.  So, that is something I am going to be self-assessing periodically.  If it ever seems to be replacing my desire for true community, it's gone.
• Not because everyone else is doing it...although, that's certainly where I got the idea!  I'm certainly not trying to compete for the most-visited blog spot or anything...but I love reading other people's blogs and find it encouraging, so I thought maybe I would enjoy writing, too!

Okay, enough about my reasons...I was going to be on to my first real blog post now...but my little toddler thinks otherwise.