God has definitely been exposing even more something that I've known about myself for a while...and I'm getting the message loud and clear! It began as most exposure does in marriage between believers...during arguments. When Daniel and I have conflict it is often due to money or communication. Recently, it has been money. I am so fearful and want to know how we are going to pay for everything I can envision needing in the future....right now. Daniel isn't wired that way...it seems so much easier for him to live day to day, responsibly, and trust the Lord to provide. Sure, there's sin on his part, too, but I'm just saying that trusting God to provide for our needs is something that comes much more quickly for Daniel than it does for me. And nothing gets to him more than me being pushy and trying to make him tell me how we are going to provide for our own needs. Anyway, I'll spare you the details. Suffice it to say, I have come away from many arguments realizing that I don't really trust God to take care of me and our family. Then, I told you about meeting Sonil last week. When I told him that I would be afraid to share Christ on my job for fear of losing my job and not being able to provide for my family....and he replied by reminding me so kindly that I don't provide for my family anyway....can I say I felt a little bit exposed? A couple evenings later Daniel and I had a counseling appointment (yes, we see a counselor from time to time for little marriage "check-ups," in case you don't know we are big fans of counseling...no shame in admitting we're all messed up and in need of help!). Anyway, we were talking about parenting...specifically our (ahem...my) fears about how our decisions as parents will affect John in the future. And what did our counselor point us to? Bingo. We cannot rely on ourselves to produce some desired result in our child/ren. God is raising our children....we are simply His vessel. The more we step out of the way and trust God to be the One to form, change, and soften our child's heart, the more rest we will experience as parents and believers. We are learning even more about this in the parenting seminar we are attending, which began last night, also by our counselor. And lastly, I am reading a novel right now....Her Mother's Hope, by Francine Rivers. The main character in it, Marta, brings chills to my spine sometimes because I can see myself in her character so much....and I don't like what I see. Because of some childhood wounds she experienced she has learned to rely on herself...and it has made her a very hard woman. She is constantly doing battle with herself because she wants so badly to show those she loves, especially her daughter, how much she does love them...but she also wants to make sure her daughter grows up strong, not feeling dependent on anyone, and able to stand up for herself. In the process of doing this, she only hurts those she loves the most. Her fears for the future cause her to work even harder and require more work from her loved ones. No one can rest around her....physically, emotionally, or spiritually. And she refuses to let those who she loves the most....and who could therefore hurt her the most...get any closer than she will allow.
Now, the point of all of this rambling is just to say that I am becoming even more aware of how incredibly self-reliant my flesh wants me to be. Evil really wants me to believe that results in life are up to me...or the earthly people I share life with...and that God is not going to come through for me. I see it in so many areas of my life. I am learning that it is only by doing what feels scary and risky...trusting God...that I will find true rest. And as Sonil so confidently assured me, even though it may feel like it, there is no risk in trusting God with my life and the lives of those I love! There is a point where being responsible and faithful turns wicked and becomes forgetting God and worshipping self. I pray that God will give me grace to believe, just as He has shown me grace in exposing my sin, that Jesus died for my unbelief. I don't have to try to fix it myself by reading books or listening to sermons about faith. I am struggling to believe that if I will just rest and wait, in time I will look back and see where the Holy Spirit has brought me. I don't have to try so hard because there's Someone bigger (borrowed from Gordon Bals' definition of discipline) than me Who's got it all under control.
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