Hunger and Thirst

I've felt pretty dry and empty recently, which has resulted in a lot of ingratitude and anger.  I'll spare you the details.  But after running into a dear friend at the grocery store today who I hadn't seen in quite some time, I was reminded of why I am feeling so beat up.  Seeing her reminded me of a note she gave me in 2009, along with an article by John Piper and a reference list of Scripture reminding us of our true identities.  I have kept these things in my Bible since she gave them to me because they are so dear.  Here is a little snippet of the Piper article, entitled "Are You Satisfied With God?"

If Christ is not the satisfaction of my heart, would people really believe me when I herald His words, "I am the bread of life; He who comes to Me will never go hungry, and he who believes in Me will never be thirsty? (John 6:35)?

The glory of bread is that it satisfies.  The glory of living water is that it quenches thirst.  We do not honor the refreshing, self-replenishing, pure water of a mountain spring by lugging buckets of water up the path to make our contributions from the ponds below.  We honor the spring by feeling thirsty, and getting down on our knees, and drinking with joy.  Then we say, "Ahhhhh!" (that's worship); and we go on our journey in the strength of the fountain (that's service).  The mountain spring is glorified most when we are most satisfied with its water.

I'm feeling thankful this afternoon that God is reminding me of how pitiful my attempts to quench my hunger and thirst are compared with what He freely offers!  And I am praying for grace to continue to draw me near and compel me to run hard after Him in the midst of feeling extremely overwhelmed and exhausted.  That is exactly why I should want run to Him after all, isn't it?  Why does it sometimes feel like one more thing to add to the list?  It is my fuel...it is what gives me everything I need to live for Him and enjoy Him and His gifts...so why do I look at it as such a duty?  And not only is delighting in Him my fuel...it truly IS most delightful!  It doesn't even compare with the things I choose to run to when I'm feeling empty.  But it is so hard to believe that and choose it in certain seasons of life.  And it is a choice.  My husband reminded me on the phone today to think about the things I am grateful for...which I of course blew off because I was feeling so sorry for myself.  But he is so right.  My dear friend Bridget used to tell me that all the time when I would call her complaining about things.  She would say, "It sounds like you need to count your blessings, sugar."  And the first thing I have to be thankful for is that God has chosen in His mercy and grace to restore me to Himself and give me the blessings of fellowship with Him...among all of the many earthly gifts I get to enjoy.  I pray He will continue to separate the lies from the Truth of Who He really is in my heart. 

Getting Real...For Real.

Ok, so this blog is called "Getting Real."  I'm gonna really be real and post some pictures of what my house looks like this morning.  And I'm gonna tell you, I am really struggling with it. 

I hate disorder.  I hate clutter.  I hate chaos.  I like for all my little ducks to be in a row, and I like to feel like I am not falling behind.  It's pretty obvious the reason for all of this is because I want control.  I don't really feel the need, although I could, to delve into the deep theological  and childhood wounding reasons for my struggle with control.  In a nutshell, it's rooted in the fact that my flesh doesn't want me believe God is big enough to take care of me.  Period.  Let me say, too, that I don't think there is anything wrong with having an organized, clutter-free home at all!  But where I see my sin in it is my response when things are not organized and clutter-free.  I get angry, particularly at those who I feel are blocking my goals.  I get a narrow focus, meaning I am no longer looking for ways to serve others but I am just focused on getting my life back in order.  And I lose patience very easily.  All of that yuckiness, to me, reveals where my heart is in those moments.  It's not at peace in God's love and care for me, but rather it is feeling like an orphan who has got to grasp and fight until I feel taken care of again.   Like all spiritual struggles, this one has its ups and downs for me.  Right now I am finding myself exposed quite frequently by what you see in the above pictures.  I see how much I feel there is to be done, how little energy I have to get it done right now, and how little time I feel we have to get things how we would like and need for them to be before December when our second child is expected to be here.  Then I start feeling condemned and comparing myself and my home, hearing things like, "why can't I just get it together like _____?" or "why can't I just find the right system to keep things neat once I get them that way?" and so on.   And I start making resolutions...you know, cheering myself on and making all these plans for how I am going to accomplish getting our home organized (self-reliance).  This is where I am right now.  I'm feeling overwhelmed at the thought of making room in our home for our precious new addition.  I want things to be "perfect" before he/she gets here.  But this time, I'm so thankful that the Lord is showing me that He is at work.  I feel a little more hopeful, and a little more at rest in the chaos.  In the past, when I've been in a season like this, it would have spurred on a lot more conflict between Daniel and I...but this time it hasn't as much.  It's actually drawn us a little closer together because I've chosen to address my fears and struggles with him as my partner and friend, rather than as my enemy, and he's responded by wanting to help me and lighten my load.  God has given us grace.  And God has shown me that in all those past struggles with this same issue of unbelief, He really has been at work.  This is huge!  I just want to remember this, because I am so prone to forget His faithfulness in the seemingly little things.