From Death to Life

Without going into a lot of specific details, suffice it to say that life is just hard right now.  And it's not a lot of "big stuff," just day-to-day frustrations that build up and can really start to choke the life of you.  There are so many days that I feel so lonely, like no one understands.  And when things get hard, my flesh wants nothing more than to find the problem(s) causing the stress, make a plan, and fix it.  That's my "personality."  But really, it's my go-to way of trying to make life work apart from Christ.  Usually, this results in more tension between me and Daniel, more tension between me and my kids, and me feeling more and more lonely, misunderstood, and frustrated, because guess what?  My fixes and my plans don't work...most of the time...they just make the people in my life feel managed instead of loved and accepted.  This morning, I'm so grateful that God is thwarting my efforts at making life go a little easier.

I was telling a friend the other day on the phone that a lot of the ways I am choosing, by God's grace, to respond to frustrations in life a little differently just feels like death.  Another friend has described it as feeling like free-falling, and that is such a good description.  My friend said to me, "It feels like death because IT IS death!"  Another good friend said, "You have been crucified with Christ.  Your life is not your own."  These are things I really need to hear.  When you start really trying to trust the Lord as you choose to go against the  desires of your flesh....your natural bent or your "personality"....it truly is death. You are dying to yourself.   (I'm not saying that it's not true that we all have a natural bent or personality...in a lot of ways that's true and good.  But, maybe you're like me and sometimes you hide your unbelief and sin behind your "personality?")  I want it to feel easy, and I want it to feel refreshing....right away.  Instant gratification, please?  But it's got to be at least a little unsettling because it is the active process of my flesh dying a little more to it's desires...and death doesn't feel good.

This morning I am finding a lot of hope in being reminded that death is not the end of the story!

"We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.  For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body....For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

-2 Corinthians 4:10-11, 17-18

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.  The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

-Galations 2:21

"But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness.  And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you."

-Romans 8:10-11

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.  The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed.  For the creation was subjected to frustration , not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God."

-Romans 8:18-21

I could literally just type out all of Romans 8!  These Scriptures have been reinforcing what the Spirit has been saying to me through my daily battles, and through my friends.  I am dying...but cheer up, soul!  I am also being brought to life!  God is at work.  He is still, and will always be, making me new!  It's a process....a lifelong process....and it will always involve my flesh dying so that my spirit can be brought to life.  This hope is what is refreshing and reviving to my soul this morning.  It makes the pain and daily frustrations of living in a fallen world that never seems to "work right" worth it.  It makes me want to cling to Jesus, at least in this moment.  I know myself and my human limitations, so I know this hope won't stick around forever.  I will have to be brought to this conclusion over and over and over again as I struggle on, but I am so thankful this morning that He has me here.

In conclusion, I really enjoyed Scotty Smith's prayer this morning...maybe you will, too:

http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/scottysmith/2013/07/11/a-prayer-for-showing-jesus-when-feeling-stressed/

(There are no coincidences in life....I read this this morning after being awakened twice by the baby last night, and it taking her almost 45 minutes to go back to sleep early this morning.....and I was having a great little pity party for myself about how hard my life is.  Thank you, Spirit, for your timely encouragement.)

For Mommies....

I loved this article my good friend shared today!

60 Day Challenge

Our church is doing something called the "60 Day Challenge" where those who are participating are challenged to, for 60 days, spend 15 minutes a day in God's Word and prayer.  Surprisingly enough, I'm participating!  It's funny to me, because when our pastor first started telling us about the upcoming challenge, he made an announcement in church that he had several commitments from men in the church to participate, but he was calling some of the ladies to join in as well.  He was, in good humor and fun, giving us women a hard time for not being as willing as the men to take him up on the challenge.  I remember looking at my good friend sitting next to me, after a long hard week with small children (one of whom still wasn't sleeping through the night) and saying, rather cynically, "He really doesn't want to know what I have to say about that!"  And honestly, I wouldn't have wanted anyone to see the ugliness of my heart at that moment.

For the longest time, I have just been in a hard place when it comes to spending structured time with the Lord.  For most of my life, a "quiet time" or "personal time of worship" has be presented to me in a very legalistic light....as something that I have to do to be a "good Christian."  I've been growing into more freedom from that way of thinking in the past 5 or so years, but that has involved a lot of dry spells spiritually.  I'm currently, thankfully, coming out of my most recent spiritual dry spell.  I hadn't really opened my Bible for the purpose of just reading it for the delight of it since before Annabelle was born....almost 7 months ago.  After a day of feeling like everyone needs a piece of me, and with a baby who fights sleep all day and all night, when I finally got a moment's peace, all I wanted to do was watch TV or sleep.  Reading the Bible just felt like something else somebody was requiring of me.  I'm so thankful that is not the case right now....and it's been God's gracious way of dealing with me that has helped me get to this point.

Even during my "dry spell," thankfully prayer didn't feel like a chore.  The everydayness of life, since having another baby, has really driven me to a new place of desperation where I have been relying on talking to Jesus more throughout the day.  But more recently, I have been finding refreshment and nourishment for my heart in God's Word.  It started with me just reading a daily prayer from Scotty Smith's book, Everyday Prayers, which was given to me by a dear friend.  I started reading the Scripture that went along with each prayer every day.  Then I started wanting to read a little more.  Then, it was like the Spirit said to me in church one day....right before the 60 day challenge was about to start up...."since you're already doing this, why don't you make it official and try to make it a habit?"  So, the cynical mommy is doing it!  I've been getting up at 5:30 (baby is finally sleeping longer stretches at night, so this is more possible) and even though I am SO TIRED, I just can't tell you how much I have been enjoying having 30 or 45 minutes to myself every morning, in the quiet of the house with a cup of coffee....no one demanding anything of me....me just getting some balm for my soul.  It just feels really necessary right now...and delightful.  I'm so thankful.  God did this for me.  If you could have seen my heart and how stubbornly resistant it has been for the longest time to any kind of structured "quiet time" (and I still hate giving this time any name), you would understand that it's not really something I just decided to do!

So, we'll see where this goes!  I know for certain I will have more dry spells.  And I don't even know if I'll make it 60 days.  But for now, I'm thankful that the Lord is graciously showing me how much I need Him and how little I have within myself...apart from Him...to live each day in a way that serves others and is reliant on Him.  I'm thankful He's refueling my tank daily with His Word and with a heart that longs to talk with Him throughout the day.  I'm thankful for all the hard circumstances of life right now that have truly pushed me to a place where I honestly can say, "Jesus, I have to put my trust in You. I can't do this."  And I'm thankful that I finally believe that He loved me just as much when I was cynical in church as He does now when I'm spending time in His Word.

Seeing Him...

Today I got to really see John, and I am so thankful.  I get to see him often, I'm just too busy, too frustrated, or too focused on my agenda sometimes to take note of it.  The past few months have been so full of days of disobedience, constant correction, discipline, and the like that I sometimes forget to just relax and take in the many glimpses God give me of the precious little boy Daniel and I have been given.  Sure, he's a sinner, just like we all are, and desperately in need of Christ.  We pray that at a very early age he will cling to that truth.  I believe he sees that now, he just has no idea what it is he is seeing.  Today was a moment I want to remember, to help me be grateful for the many, many blessings instead of being swallowed by the frustrating moments of being a mommy to a toddler.

I was laying down with John in his bed as he was getting ready to take a nap.  He kept putting his pillow over his head to go to sleep.  I told him to take the pillow off of his head because that isn't safe.  He  continued to put the pillow over his head, and he even said, "no, I want my head under the pillow."  So, I just got up, took his pillows from his bed, and left the room telling him he could go to sleep by himself without his pillows.  He cried so hard for a few minutes while I waited in another room.  I came back in after a few minutes, asked him if he was ready to obey me, and he said, "yes mommy," while sucking his little thumb.  I laid back down with him, gave him his pillows, and he snuggled up to me and started going to sleep.  After a few minutes had gone by, he opened his eyes and said, "thank you for coming back in my room, Mommy."  I said, "Sure, John.  I love you, buddy."  He said, "I love you, too, Mommy.  I'm sorry I didn't listen to you when you told me not to put the pillow on my head.  Will you forgive me?"  I told him, "Of course, always, always."  Then he closed his little eyes again, sucking his thumb, and cuddled back up.

I'm so thankful for a glimpse into his little heart.  I'm sure some of that was just wanting to please me...but he truly was so sincere.  I am trusting that God is using our many failures as parents, and the ways we have repented to John and talked about forgiveness and struggling with obedience, to begin to show him the truths of the Gospel.  I pray that they are sweet to his little heart in a way that only a 3 year old can grasp.  These moments are so much fewer than the moments of struggle, disobedience, and defiance, and reactive parenting....but they are SO MUCH BIGGER, and that is why I wanted to mark it down and remember it!  It's something beautiful to celebrate!

His Mercies are New

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you.  Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life."  Psalm 143:8

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, 'the Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'"  Lamentations 3:22-24

I'm so thankful this morning for a glimpse of the Lord's mercies.  The past two weeks have been so hard.  The baby has only been napping for 30-45 minutes at a time and waking 2-4 times a night, but has also been crying a lot because she is tired.  I have been struggling with "Mommy guilt" and "fear of Mommy judgement" during this whole time, battling with whether or not I am doing what she needs to help her sleep well, and hoping I am right in treating it as a phase.  The whole thing has been exhausting, on top of spending time with and discipling my 3 year old, and also discouraging as I have felt again like a first time mom who just doesn't have a clue what to do.  I've felt helpless, lonely, and at the end of my rope on many, many days.  I've felt guilty for responding to a whiny, attention-wanting, energetic little John with anger and annoyance.  I've felt guilty for being short with my husband and greeting him with a list of complaints about how hard my day has been.  Basically, I've just had a bad attitude.  I've needed sleep, I've needed alone time, and I've needed the Lord.

Yesterday, the baby took a 2 hour nap in the morning and a 1.5 hour nap in the afternoon...without waking up at all!  Then, she sleep basically all night, only waking for her dream feed at 11pm, and then again at 4:50 for a bottle.  She went right back to sleep, though.  I was able to get up this morning before the kids at 6:15, drink a cup of coffee, get dressed, and read a prayer and a few Psalms before John came out of his room.  It was just SO refreshing.  I have no idea if this will last or it was just a short break...but either way, I am so thankful.  I really want the Lord to help me remember this morning so that I won't forget that He gave it to me when things get hard again.

God Does Not Hinder Us From Coming, Asking, and Seeking...

Hebrews 4:16

"Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

Matthew 7:7-12

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks the door will be opened.  'Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone?....'"

Matthew 19:14

"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

God is, very thankfully, not like me.  I get annoyed by the persistence of my children.  The inopportune times that the baby decides to cry and need me, the constant "Mommy, can I _________" questions from my little boy, and both of their courage to continue their pursuit of my help and attention no matter how many times I say "no" or try to distract them.  I remember reading The Praying Life by Paul Miller and being struck by the reminder that a child's persistence is such a picture of the childlike heart God calls us to have.  Today I want to remember that.  I want to be more like my children.  I want to keep asking God for what I think I need, even if I'm completely wrong....because it's good for me to let my desires drive me to deeper communion and relationship with my Father and to always see Him as the Source.  And I want to be more like my Father, too.  I want to encourage my children to come to me, even if I have to tell my little boy "no" a million times for the same thing, I want to encourage him to keep coming to his source.  I don't want to find his childlike heart annoying...I want to let it's beauty teach me something and encourage me toward my Source.  I want my baby's cries to remind me of my need for total dependence on my Father and how he never tires of taking perfect care of me.  And when I fail many times today, I want to remember that Christ has already been and is always everything I am not.  I want my failures to drive me to the One who never fails.

God, in Christ, has Overcome Evil

This morning I am really encouraged by Scotty Smith's prayer:

http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/scottysmith/2013/05/24/a-prayer-for-remembering-the-war-and-trusting-boldly-in-jesus/

It is so hard to remember in the little, hard moments of everyday...as well as in thinking on major events of human suffering...that we have an enemy and he doesn't like it when we are fighting well.  It is so encouraging, though, to be brought to the end of my striving and be reminded that I don't have to win the battle against him....Christ already has!  Asking Jesus to help me fix my eyes on him today....because I already want to fix them on my circumstances and how I can manage them.