His Glory and His Love

I've always struggled with the thought of God creating us for his own glory.  I've experienced his grace often enough and seen Him do things that only He could do enough times to realize that He and He alone is worthy of all glory, and I desire to worship Him because of that.  However, when I let myself think about it long enough, I struggle with the fact that it seems so arrogant to create people so that they will worship you.  My flesh and the evil one really start messing with my mind and telling me that there is no way that God can love me if the only reason he created me was to bring glory to Himself.  It seems so self-serving.  Sure, I know that He is God and that alone gives him every "right" to do as He pleases.  But it doesn't make the feelings any less strong when I'm struggling and doubting His love...and especially when I see and experience the brokenness of this world.

However, yesterday as I was reading "Give Them Grace," by Elyse Fitzpatrick, I was reminded of a beautiful thing.  The incarnation of Jesus Christ.  This is as opposite of arrogance and serving self as one could possible get.  Here is what she says in the chapter called, "The One Good Story":

The modesty that we see in the beloved Son's life is a refusal to show off or insist that everyone give him his due.  He didn't proclaim his greatness in the streets (Matt. 12:19); he didn't show off in front of his enemy (Matt. 4:1-11).  Although he could have called down legions of angels or obliterated all his detractors and the ever-so-slow disciples, he restrained himself.  He didn't need our approval or praise.  He had nothing to prove, and he lived humbly because he loved us and never showed off.

It made me think about how God Himself became man and literally restrained Himself...held back his power to overcome the enemy and all the people who were mocking him to his face in spite of the ways he had served them during his 33 years among them.  He suffered WITH them.  He chose to experience along with them how broken their sin had made the world He had created to be perfect.  If you are familiar at all with Jesus's life and interactions with people, you know that he was just so out-of-the-box.  From healing people that others had avoided for years, to living as a homeless man who didn't know where his next meal would be, to dining with outcasts and those who persecuted his people, to washing the feet of the ones who would deny and kill him, and finally refusing to use the power that was his to choose not to go to the cross and die a criminal's death for the laws he never broke.  Ok, so maybe He isn't as arrogant as I am tempted to believe sometimes.  It's just mind-boggling to me!  God did all of this because, while He is passionate for His glory, He loves us.  If He only wanted His glory, all He would have to do would be to demand it from us and destroy us if we refused to give Him what He deserves....which is actually the end result apart from Christ.  But He didn't leave it like that.  He couldn't...because of His amazing love. 

"...Jesus Christ, who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.  And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death--even death on a cross!  Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."  (Philippians 2:6-11)



A Baby's Valuable Life

I am not much for getting involved in political talk...I usually see it as being so divisive that it's not worth it. Several things recently have had me thinking a lot about the issue of abortion, however.  First of all, I am 22 weeks pregnant with a baby girl.  She has just as much of a human right to her own life and future decisions as any other woman (even though my thoughts on our "rights" as children of a merciful God are another topic altogether!).  Then there was this picture that has been circulating in my circle a little bit on Facebook...an artist's clay depiction of a baby in the womb at 12 weeks. I really felt compelled in the middle of last nights' storms while watching the news at 2am to write a little bit about my thoughts regarding abortion.  I saw a short story about the law that was recently upheld in Arizona banning abortions after 20 weeks of pregnancy.  What really stirred my spirit was the language that is so often used, as was used in this news piece, when talking about abortion, babies, and pregnancy.  I really believe that the language lawmakers, media, and those opposed to a baby's right to life use only make it easier for us all to live with the fact that we are killing babies.  It just soothes the pain that we should be feeling when talking about this issue...and in my opinion is a way to sort of live in denial.  I know I am really putting myself out there for criticism in this day talking like this, but I honestly believe it is true.  When we say things like, "a law has been upheld that makes it unlawful to terminate a pregnancy beyond 20 weeks," it's a little easier on the heart than hearing, "a law has been upheld that makes it unlawful to end the life of a baby once the baby has completed 20 weeks of development."  We say things like "terminate pregnancy," and "right to choose," and "fetus," "tissue," and "unborn child" because we don't want to see the truth....abortion is killing a baby....it is ending the life that has begun in a developing human with a heartbeat, spinal column, nerves that feel, and muscles that cause it to kick and move around. 

I feel pretty confident that most abortions do not take place prior to 6 weeks.  However, at the 6 week ultrasound of all 3 of the babies I have carried (although I did lose our second baby at 10 weeks), we saw a strong heartbeat over 100 beats per minute!  At 6 weeks!  There was life....it was moving right there on the screen.  It was not just tissue...it was life.  The spinal cord begins developing before most women even know they are pregnant.  I felt my baby kick for the first time at 13 weeks, even though she was kicking long before that point.  It makes me so incredibly sad to know that in some states it would be legal to end the life of the baby that I am currently carrying...at 22 weeks....simply because she is not "viable,"...meaning that if she were born today, she would not be able to survive outside of my womb.  Does that mean that she isn't a baby?  Does the fact that she still needs my body to nurture her development mean that her life is not as important or meaningful? 

Now, I also want to say that I am not naive to the other side of this issue.  While I have never experienced a pregnancy as a single woman, a young teenager, or just during a time when I was not hoping for a child, I know it is not an easy life circumstance to find oneself in.  And, I know that choosing to have an abortion is not always a decision that a woman enters into lightly.  I also know that it is a decision that she will battle with emotionally for a very long time.  My heart towards women who have had, are having, or are thinking about having an abortion is full of compassion.  I cannot imagine what they have been through and/or are going through.  I am currently praying for a group of women who are part of a local support group designed to guide women who have had an abortion towards healing through the Gospel of Jesus Christ...and I am humbled by their courage and faith when I read their requests.  And, I have friends who have personally experienced abortion and are finding healing from their experience, while very possible, to be an ever-present battle.  Hearing their stories and the long-term effects of abortion on their hearts only makes me more certain that abortion is not the answer to a woman finding she is carrying a baby when she wasn't planning to.  The results for the woman are going to be difficult no matter what a woman decides to do, so why add to that ending another life?  And I know that for those opposed to a baby's right to life the issue at stake is the woman's choice.  Which leads me back to my original point.

My only thoughts last night were this:  If we are going to keep allowing abortion to be legal, then let's call it what it is, for the sake of the babies who are dying and the moms who are hurting more than we know.  Let's stop making it an easier pill to swallow.  To say it in health care terminology, let's offer women the option of giving truly "informed consent."  When a woman is presented with her options, let's say:  "you could allow your baby to develop until you go into labor and give birth and keep the baby for yourself, OR you could allow your baby to develop until you go into labor and give birth and then allow another couple who is longing for a baby to adopt your baby as their own if you are not able to care for him/her, OR, you could end the life of your baby.  We will not be just 'terminating your pregnancy,' we will be ending your baby's life."  Then whatever stage of development her baby is in, let's make sure she is aware of all that she will be deciding to end.  She needs to know what her baby looks like, is doing at this point, etc.  We don't need to hide such crucial information in order to "make it easier on her" to decide to end her baby's life.  I just wonder if women were presented with a more genuine picture of the choice they are being given, how many more of them might choose to nurture, rather than end, their baby's life?

"Give Them Grace"

I am super excited about my new book from the library!  I am reading "Give Them Grace" by Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson.  I have only read one chapter, but it is amazing how simply reading that one chapter and journaling through the questions at the end of it has really disrupted a lot within me not only as a mother, but mostly as a daughter of God.  I am realizing even more of what I have known about myself for several years now...I want so badly to make the law work.  I want to be able to follow God's law and please Him.  Not that desiring that is a bad thing, but the problem is it will never happen.  And it should never be my goal, because it sends me down the wrong path.  In my quest to follow the law and please God I head down the path of self-reliance, despair, anger, and distance from God.  It was so amazing to me to read about how my despair at my own inability to obey the law is purposefully put in my life to lead me to Christ!  I need the law.  I need to read it, learn it, meditate on it, and love it more.  But not so that I can become more faithful, or be a better wife, mother, friend, daughter, etc.  And not so that I can please God.  I need the law because the more I learn it, the more I am faced with my own inability to follow it...and therefore the more not reliant on myself I become.  The more I rely on Christ and what He has already done. 

And this is what my children need, too.  Man, this book is stirring up so much confusion within me, but I know that is a good thing.  I find myself, especially right now while John is 2 1/2, wanting so badly for him to just obey me!  Please, would you just do what I say!  And when he doesn't I am scrambling for a solution.  Maybe we should do this?  Maybe we should do that?  Maybe this discipline isn't working?  I need to ask so-and-so what THEY do in this situation....etc.  And I am realizing, my goal is in a short-term result.  A compliant child and a peaceful day.  I am not looking at the long-term, big picture.  My child is 2 1/2.  Yes, it is our job to teach him to obey.  Yes, he needs to learn what God and what we require of him.  But, he's still 2 1/2...so he's got a lot of time left (Lord-willing) to grow and learn.  Days with a 2 1/2 year old are going to be hard sometimes.  Learning obedience is going to be slow.  I want him to learn that He needs a Savior.  And I want him to learn that Jesus is a Savior who loves him unconditionally, whether he is compliant or not.  And I want him to learn that he is never going to be able to achieve perfect compliance...which is why he needs Jesus.  I know this is what my husband wants for our family, too.  It's what he reminds me of all the time when I am despairing about my own inabilities to "get it right."  He is such a great leader for me in understanding the heart of the Gospel story.

Something else I had started thinking about right before I started reading this book was how I sometimes parent in a way that isn't consistent with my goals, just because I get impatient with the lack of "progress" I see and I am fearful of the judgement of other parents.  Our goal for parenting our children is to teach them to rely not on themselves, but on someone bigger than them (us now, Jesus later).  If the goal is leading him away from self-reliance and toward reliance on someone bigger, then why train him to be an independent, compliant, good little 2 year old?  Well, that's an easy answer....it's more convenient for me, and other people will be amazed at my parenting skills when they see my child (note sarcasm).  If he doesn't need me as much, then I am more free to do what I want to do.  Sure, I want him to learn to function independently as an adult.  But the key word....adult.  We have a lot of time (again, Lord-willing) to get there!  I have to constantly remind myself of our goals.  Which again leads me back to my own repentance of my self-reliance and selfishness.  Ultimately, my hope is not in "getting it right" as a parent, either.  My hope is in Christ to save my child.  Daniel and I want to do the best we can, by God's grace, to create an atmosphere in our home that displays the complete Gospel story to our children.  And we want them to learn to rely on Christ and not on themselves.  But we cannot make that happen.  Only Christ can change their hearts.

So, I'm all disrupted over this one chapter, and I cannot wait to read more!  And the disruption is good.  I'm disrupted because I see the big picture of what we are going for in how to parent our children....but I have absolutely no idea how to get there.  Which leaves me at a place of dependence and reliance on God.  If you haven't heard of this book and want to hear more about it, here is a link to the forward in the book:

http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tullian/2011/05/16/give-them-grace/

Hunger and Thirst

I've felt pretty dry and empty recently, which has resulted in a lot of ingratitude and anger.  I'll spare you the details.  But after running into a dear friend at the grocery store today who I hadn't seen in quite some time, I was reminded of why I am feeling so beat up.  Seeing her reminded me of a note she gave me in 2009, along with an article by John Piper and a reference list of Scripture reminding us of our true identities.  I have kept these things in my Bible since she gave them to me because they are so dear.  Here is a little snippet of the Piper article, entitled "Are You Satisfied With God?"

If Christ is not the satisfaction of my heart, would people really believe me when I herald His words, "I am the bread of life; He who comes to Me will never go hungry, and he who believes in Me will never be thirsty? (John 6:35)?

The glory of bread is that it satisfies.  The glory of living water is that it quenches thirst.  We do not honor the refreshing, self-replenishing, pure water of a mountain spring by lugging buckets of water up the path to make our contributions from the ponds below.  We honor the spring by feeling thirsty, and getting down on our knees, and drinking with joy.  Then we say, "Ahhhhh!" (that's worship); and we go on our journey in the strength of the fountain (that's service).  The mountain spring is glorified most when we are most satisfied with its water.

I'm feeling thankful this afternoon that God is reminding me of how pitiful my attempts to quench my hunger and thirst are compared with what He freely offers!  And I am praying for grace to continue to draw me near and compel me to run hard after Him in the midst of feeling extremely overwhelmed and exhausted.  That is exactly why I should want run to Him after all, isn't it?  Why does it sometimes feel like one more thing to add to the list?  It is my fuel...it is what gives me everything I need to live for Him and enjoy Him and His gifts...so why do I look at it as such a duty?  And not only is delighting in Him my fuel...it truly IS most delightful!  It doesn't even compare with the things I choose to run to when I'm feeling empty.  But it is so hard to believe that and choose it in certain seasons of life.  And it is a choice.  My husband reminded me on the phone today to think about the things I am grateful for...which I of course blew off because I was feeling so sorry for myself.  But he is so right.  My dear friend Bridget used to tell me that all the time when I would call her complaining about things.  She would say, "It sounds like you need to count your blessings, sugar."  And the first thing I have to be thankful for is that God has chosen in His mercy and grace to restore me to Himself and give me the blessings of fellowship with Him...among all of the many earthly gifts I get to enjoy.  I pray He will continue to separate the lies from the Truth of Who He really is in my heart. 

Getting Real...For Real.

Ok, so this blog is called "Getting Real."  I'm gonna really be real and post some pictures of what my house looks like this morning.  And I'm gonna tell you, I am really struggling with it. 

I hate disorder.  I hate clutter.  I hate chaos.  I like for all my little ducks to be in a row, and I like to feel like I am not falling behind.  It's pretty obvious the reason for all of this is because I want control.  I don't really feel the need, although I could, to delve into the deep theological  and childhood wounding reasons for my struggle with control.  In a nutshell, it's rooted in the fact that my flesh doesn't want me believe God is big enough to take care of me.  Period.  Let me say, too, that I don't think there is anything wrong with having an organized, clutter-free home at all!  But where I see my sin in it is my response when things are not organized and clutter-free.  I get angry, particularly at those who I feel are blocking my goals.  I get a narrow focus, meaning I am no longer looking for ways to serve others but I am just focused on getting my life back in order.  And I lose patience very easily.  All of that yuckiness, to me, reveals where my heart is in those moments.  It's not at peace in God's love and care for me, but rather it is feeling like an orphan who has got to grasp and fight until I feel taken care of again.   Like all spiritual struggles, this one has its ups and downs for me.  Right now I am finding myself exposed quite frequently by what you see in the above pictures.  I see how much I feel there is to be done, how little energy I have to get it done right now, and how little time I feel we have to get things how we would like and need for them to be before December when our second child is expected to be here.  Then I start feeling condemned and comparing myself and my home, hearing things like, "why can't I just get it together like _____?" or "why can't I just find the right system to keep things neat once I get them that way?" and so on.   And I start making resolutions...you know, cheering myself on and making all these plans for how I am going to accomplish getting our home organized (self-reliance).  This is where I am right now.  I'm feeling overwhelmed at the thought of making room in our home for our precious new addition.  I want things to be "perfect" before he/she gets here.  But this time, I'm so thankful that the Lord is showing me that He is at work.  I feel a little more hopeful, and a little more at rest in the chaos.  In the past, when I've been in a season like this, it would have spurred on a lot more conflict between Daniel and I...but this time it hasn't as much.  It's actually drawn us a little closer together because I've chosen to address my fears and struggles with him as my partner and friend, rather than as my enemy, and he's responded by wanting to help me and lighten my load.  God has given us grace.  And God has shown me that in all those past struggles with this same issue of unbelief, He really has been at work.  This is huge!  I just want to remember this, because I am so prone to forget His faithfulness in the seemingly little things.

It's Been A While...

Life has just not been so that my top priority has been blogging...either our family blog or this one.  So, I'm a little bit behind.  I've been in a season of growth, for sure.  I'm so blessed to be in a discipleship group at church that God has used tremendously to strengthen my reliance upon the Gospel.  The six other women in my group are such gems.  Daniel and I have experienced a good bit of grief lately, too.  My Grandpa passed away last month.  His passing really stirred up within my heart a lot of family grief as well.  He was my mom's father, and the circumstances of his life and her's for the past few years just reminded me so much of what a fallen world we live in.  He was a hard man who had, like us all, experienced a lot of pain and hurt in this world, and his way of dealing with that was mostly to withdraw and self-protect.  I saw the most tender side of him about 8-10 years ago when his wife, my Gandy, was in her final years of life.  He loved her with all his heart, and she suffered a lot physically from multiple medical problems.  He took such sweet care of her.  I remember him getting up in the middle of the night, sometimes night after night, to rub her legs when they were cramping.  He wasn't emotionally warm or welcoming.  His way of showing his love for us was to make us laugh with a witty joke or to just offer physical assitance when needed.  I know he loved me, and I loved him dearly, even though being around him for long periods of time was hard sometimes.  He softened a lot in the weeks before he died due to dementia, and Daniel and I were thankful to have a sweet conversation with him in November about Jesus and his life.  I pray that my Grandpa's hope was in Christ alone when he died.

We also remembered the baby we lost this past summer on March 17, which would have been our due date.  My doctor warned me when we lost the baby that the grief would most likely hit me again out of nowhere around the time the baby would have been due, and boy was he right!  I found myself being so angry when I saw pregnant women, wanting to burst into tears at the thought of not being pregnant, and just thinking about how much we missed in not carrying our sweet baby to full term and meeting him/her on the delivery day. 

And, all this grief has at times only added to the normal struggles a married couple experiences.  We've found ourselves having to be reminded over and over again that we are on the same team.

We have been surrounded by loving, gracious friends during these emotionally trying times.  I am so thankful.  I honestly don't know what life would be like without the Body of Christ, and I have no desire to experience it.  It is truly a gift of God to have his Spirit ministering to our hearts as we experience the fallenness of this world together.  To have friends go to the hard places with us, to ask hard questions that get so much deeper than the surface "how are you?" and "I'm praying for you," is just priceless. (not that those statements made genuinely by caring friends aren't encouraging!)  I have felt so known, so understood, so cared for, and so loved.  God Himself has made His presence so near through His Word, music, community, our families, and each other. 

I am so thankful to be coming out of the darker place I have been in the past couple of months.  I am feeling more hopeful, more grateful, and more joyful.  Praise be to God for His grace.  I forget, until I struggle again, how much music ministers to my soul.  God really uses music and good lyrics to pull me out of myself and remember truth.  I hear truth so much more clearly, and my heart is softened so much more quickly, through music.  I wanted to share the lyrics to a couple of songs that have really spoken to my heart over the past couple of months.  I hope someone will find them encouraging as well!

"Open My Hand" by Sara Groves

I believe in a blessing I don't understand
I’ve seen rain fall on wicked and the just
Rain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

I believe in a peace that flows deeper than pain
That broken find healing in love
Pain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

I will open my hands, will open my heart
I will open my hands, will open my heart
I am nodding my head an emphatic "yes"
To all that You have for me

I believe in a fountain that will never dry
Though I've thirsted and didn't have enough
Thirst is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

I will open my hands, will open my heart
I will open my hands, will open my heart
I am nodding my head an emphatic "yes"
To all that You have for me

"The Only Hope" by Bebo Norman

I want to run, it's my nature to run
And I want to fight, it's my nature to fight
And I want to live, but you tell me to die
I have resolved that I'm much better off
In your hands than mine

I'm begging you to hold on tight
Begging you to hold on tight
Begging you to take my life from me

I want a crumb, but you are a feast
I want a song, but you are a symphony
I want a star, but you're a galaxy
And I have resolved that I'm much better off
In what you have for me

I'm begging you to hold on tight
Begging you to hold on tight
Begging you to take my life from me

So tell me you won't let go
Tell me you won't let go
Cause you are the only hope for me

Take my life from me, It's the only hope for me
Take my life from me, It's the only hope for me
And I'll never want for more
I'll never want for more

I'm begging you to hold on tight
Begging you to hold on tight
Begging you to take my life from me
So tell me you won't let go
Tell me you won't let go
Cause you are the only hope for me
You're the only hope for me
Yeah, you're the only hope for me