Getting Real...For Real.

Ok, so this blog is called "Getting Real."  I'm gonna really be real and post some pictures of what my house looks like this morning.  And I'm gonna tell you, I am really struggling with it. 

I hate disorder.  I hate clutter.  I hate chaos.  I like for all my little ducks to be in a row, and I like to feel like I am not falling behind.  It's pretty obvious the reason for all of this is because I want control.  I don't really feel the need, although I could, to delve into the deep theological  and childhood wounding reasons for my struggle with control.  In a nutshell, it's rooted in the fact that my flesh doesn't want me believe God is big enough to take care of me.  Period.  Let me say, too, that I don't think there is anything wrong with having an organized, clutter-free home at all!  But where I see my sin in it is my response when things are not organized and clutter-free.  I get angry, particularly at those who I feel are blocking my goals.  I get a narrow focus, meaning I am no longer looking for ways to serve others but I am just focused on getting my life back in order.  And I lose patience very easily.  All of that yuckiness, to me, reveals where my heart is in those moments.  It's not at peace in God's love and care for me, but rather it is feeling like an orphan who has got to grasp and fight until I feel taken care of again.   Like all spiritual struggles, this one has its ups and downs for me.  Right now I am finding myself exposed quite frequently by what you see in the above pictures.  I see how much I feel there is to be done, how little energy I have to get it done right now, and how little time I feel we have to get things how we would like and need for them to be before December when our second child is expected to be here.  Then I start feeling condemned and comparing myself and my home, hearing things like, "why can't I just get it together like _____?" or "why can't I just find the right system to keep things neat once I get them that way?" and so on.   And I start making resolutions...you know, cheering myself on and making all these plans for how I am going to accomplish getting our home organized (self-reliance).  This is where I am right now.  I'm feeling overwhelmed at the thought of making room in our home for our precious new addition.  I want things to be "perfect" before he/she gets here.  But this time, I'm so thankful that the Lord is showing me that He is at work.  I feel a little more hopeful, and a little more at rest in the chaos.  In the past, when I've been in a season like this, it would have spurred on a lot more conflict between Daniel and I...but this time it hasn't as much.  It's actually drawn us a little closer together because I've chosen to address my fears and struggles with him as my partner and friend, rather than as my enemy, and he's responded by wanting to help me and lighten my load.  God has given us grace.  And God has shown me that in all those past struggles with this same issue of unbelief, He really has been at work.  This is huge!  I just want to remember this, because I am so prone to forget His faithfulness in the seemingly little things.