It's Been A While...

Life has just not been so that my top priority has been blogging...either our family blog or this one.  So, I'm a little bit behind.  I've been in a season of growth, for sure.  I'm so blessed to be in a discipleship group at church that God has used tremendously to strengthen my reliance upon the Gospel.  The six other women in my group are such gems.  Daniel and I have experienced a good bit of grief lately, too.  My Grandpa passed away last month.  His passing really stirred up within my heart a lot of family grief as well.  He was my mom's father, and the circumstances of his life and her's for the past few years just reminded me so much of what a fallen world we live in.  He was a hard man who had, like us all, experienced a lot of pain and hurt in this world, and his way of dealing with that was mostly to withdraw and self-protect.  I saw the most tender side of him about 8-10 years ago when his wife, my Gandy, was in her final years of life.  He loved her with all his heart, and she suffered a lot physically from multiple medical problems.  He took such sweet care of her.  I remember him getting up in the middle of the night, sometimes night after night, to rub her legs when they were cramping.  He wasn't emotionally warm or welcoming.  His way of showing his love for us was to make us laugh with a witty joke or to just offer physical assitance when needed.  I know he loved me, and I loved him dearly, even though being around him for long periods of time was hard sometimes.  He softened a lot in the weeks before he died due to dementia, and Daniel and I were thankful to have a sweet conversation with him in November about Jesus and his life.  I pray that my Grandpa's hope was in Christ alone when he died.

We also remembered the baby we lost this past summer on March 17, which would have been our due date.  My doctor warned me when we lost the baby that the grief would most likely hit me again out of nowhere around the time the baby would have been due, and boy was he right!  I found myself being so angry when I saw pregnant women, wanting to burst into tears at the thought of not being pregnant, and just thinking about how much we missed in not carrying our sweet baby to full term and meeting him/her on the delivery day. 

And, all this grief has at times only added to the normal struggles a married couple experiences.  We've found ourselves having to be reminded over and over again that we are on the same team.

We have been surrounded by loving, gracious friends during these emotionally trying times.  I am so thankful.  I honestly don't know what life would be like without the Body of Christ, and I have no desire to experience it.  It is truly a gift of God to have his Spirit ministering to our hearts as we experience the fallenness of this world together.  To have friends go to the hard places with us, to ask hard questions that get so much deeper than the surface "how are you?" and "I'm praying for you," is just priceless. (not that those statements made genuinely by caring friends aren't encouraging!)  I have felt so known, so understood, so cared for, and so loved.  God Himself has made His presence so near through His Word, music, community, our families, and each other. 

I am so thankful to be coming out of the darker place I have been in the past couple of months.  I am feeling more hopeful, more grateful, and more joyful.  Praise be to God for His grace.  I forget, until I struggle again, how much music ministers to my soul.  God really uses music and good lyrics to pull me out of myself and remember truth.  I hear truth so much more clearly, and my heart is softened so much more quickly, through music.  I wanted to share the lyrics to a couple of songs that have really spoken to my heart over the past couple of months.  I hope someone will find them encouraging as well!

"Open My Hand" by Sara Groves

I believe in a blessing I don't understand
I’ve seen rain fall on wicked and the just
Rain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

I believe in a peace that flows deeper than pain
That broken find healing in love
Pain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

I will open my hands, will open my heart
I will open my hands, will open my heart
I am nodding my head an emphatic "yes"
To all that You have for me

I believe in a fountain that will never dry
Though I've thirsted and didn't have enough
Thirst is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

I will open my hands, will open my heart
I will open my hands, will open my heart
I am nodding my head an emphatic "yes"
To all that You have for me

"The Only Hope" by Bebo Norman

I want to run, it's my nature to run
And I want to fight, it's my nature to fight
And I want to live, but you tell me to die
I have resolved that I'm much better off
In your hands than mine

I'm begging you to hold on tight
Begging you to hold on tight
Begging you to take my life from me

I want a crumb, but you are a feast
I want a song, but you are a symphony
I want a star, but you're a galaxy
And I have resolved that I'm much better off
In what you have for me

I'm begging you to hold on tight
Begging you to hold on tight
Begging you to take my life from me

So tell me you won't let go
Tell me you won't let go
Cause you are the only hope for me

Take my life from me, It's the only hope for me
Take my life from me, It's the only hope for me
And I'll never want for more
I'll never want for more

I'm begging you to hold on tight
Begging you to hold on tight
Begging you to take my life from me
So tell me you won't let go
Tell me you won't let go
Cause you are the only hope for me
You're the only hope for me
Yeah, you're the only hope for me