It's Been A While...

Life has just not been so that my top priority has been blogging...either our family blog or this one.  So, I'm a little bit behind.  I've been in a season of growth, for sure.  I'm so blessed to be in a discipleship group at church that God has used tremendously to strengthen my reliance upon the Gospel.  The six other women in my group are such gems.  Daniel and I have experienced a good bit of grief lately, too.  My Grandpa passed away last month.  His passing really stirred up within my heart a lot of family grief as well.  He was my mom's father, and the circumstances of his life and her's for the past few years just reminded me so much of what a fallen world we live in.  He was a hard man who had, like us all, experienced a lot of pain and hurt in this world, and his way of dealing with that was mostly to withdraw and self-protect.  I saw the most tender side of him about 8-10 years ago when his wife, my Gandy, was in her final years of life.  He loved her with all his heart, and she suffered a lot physically from multiple medical problems.  He took such sweet care of her.  I remember him getting up in the middle of the night, sometimes night after night, to rub her legs when they were cramping.  He wasn't emotionally warm or welcoming.  His way of showing his love for us was to make us laugh with a witty joke or to just offer physical assitance when needed.  I know he loved me, and I loved him dearly, even though being around him for long periods of time was hard sometimes.  He softened a lot in the weeks before he died due to dementia, and Daniel and I were thankful to have a sweet conversation with him in November about Jesus and his life.  I pray that my Grandpa's hope was in Christ alone when he died.

We also remembered the baby we lost this past summer on March 17, which would have been our due date.  My doctor warned me when we lost the baby that the grief would most likely hit me again out of nowhere around the time the baby would have been due, and boy was he right!  I found myself being so angry when I saw pregnant women, wanting to burst into tears at the thought of not being pregnant, and just thinking about how much we missed in not carrying our sweet baby to full term and meeting him/her on the delivery day. 

And, all this grief has at times only added to the normal struggles a married couple experiences.  We've found ourselves having to be reminded over and over again that we are on the same team.

We have been surrounded by loving, gracious friends during these emotionally trying times.  I am so thankful.  I honestly don't know what life would be like without the Body of Christ, and I have no desire to experience it.  It is truly a gift of God to have his Spirit ministering to our hearts as we experience the fallenness of this world together.  To have friends go to the hard places with us, to ask hard questions that get so much deeper than the surface "how are you?" and "I'm praying for you," is just priceless. (not that those statements made genuinely by caring friends aren't encouraging!)  I have felt so known, so understood, so cared for, and so loved.  God Himself has made His presence so near through His Word, music, community, our families, and each other. 

I am so thankful to be coming out of the darker place I have been in the past couple of months.  I am feeling more hopeful, more grateful, and more joyful.  Praise be to God for His grace.  I forget, until I struggle again, how much music ministers to my soul.  God really uses music and good lyrics to pull me out of myself and remember truth.  I hear truth so much more clearly, and my heart is softened so much more quickly, through music.  I wanted to share the lyrics to a couple of songs that have really spoken to my heart over the past couple of months.  I hope someone will find them encouraging as well!

"Open My Hand" by Sara Groves

I believe in a blessing I don't understand
I’ve seen rain fall on wicked and the just
Rain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

I believe in a peace that flows deeper than pain
That broken find healing in love
Pain is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

I will open my hands, will open my heart
I will open my hands, will open my heart
I am nodding my head an emphatic "yes"
To all that You have for me

I believe in a fountain that will never dry
Though I've thirsted and didn't have enough
Thirst is no measure of his faithfulness
He withholds no good thing from us
No good thing from us, no good thing from us

I will open my hands, will open my heart
I will open my hands, will open my heart
I am nodding my head an emphatic "yes"
To all that You have for me

"The Only Hope" by Bebo Norman

I want to run, it's my nature to run
And I want to fight, it's my nature to fight
And I want to live, but you tell me to die
I have resolved that I'm much better off
In your hands than mine

I'm begging you to hold on tight
Begging you to hold on tight
Begging you to take my life from me

I want a crumb, but you are a feast
I want a song, but you are a symphony
I want a star, but you're a galaxy
And I have resolved that I'm much better off
In what you have for me

I'm begging you to hold on tight
Begging you to hold on tight
Begging you to take my life from me

So tell me you won't let go
Tell me you won't let go
Cause you are the only hope for me

Take my life from me, It's the only hope for me
Take my life from me, It's the only hope for me
And I'll never want for more
I'll never want for more

I'm begging you to hold on tight
Begging you to hold on tight
Begging you to take my life from me
So tell me you won't let go
Tell me you won't let go
Cause you are the only hope for me
You're the only hope for me
Yeah, you're the only hope for me

Prayer, Control, and Grief

I remember having an "a-ha" moment about my prayer life a few weeks ago, before we lost our baby.  We had known from our first ultrasound at 7 weeks that there were concerns with the pregnancy and the baby's growth, so I had a lot of reasons to be fighting against worry and anxiety piled on top of the normal anxiety a woman already feels in the early weeks of pregnancy.  I found myself praying a lot more, which isn't surprising since it usually takes me being in a situation where the illusion of control is removed from me before I will really feel the need to pray.  As if I am not completely in need of a savior and at the mercy of Sovereign God at all times.  What was enlightening to me, though, was when I really took a look at the content of my prayers for the baby.  I would pray something like this:

Dear Father, I pray that you would be with our baby and watch over his/her growth and development.  Please help the baby to develop normally, without any problems.  Please sustain this pregnancy and let me go to full term.  But, if there are major problems with the baby's development and it would be best for the baby not to go full term, then please let that happen....

And so on.  Can you see it in there....how I still slipped in the control I think I have over my own life and the lives of those I love?  It's like I thought I had to cover all of my bases or something, just in case God was trying to "slip one past me" by answering my prayer for a full term pregnancy but still not giving me what I was hoping for.  I truly was treating God like a vending machine...like I knew best and He was there to serve me.  I feel quite sure we all do this at times.  It's just so hard to truly submit your life to a God who is loving and good, yes, but who is also so completely unpredictable...and who is so good that He will, unlike us earthly parents, always give His children the best...even if it means allowing them to hurt in order to receive the best.  Why is suffering so necessary?  Can't a God who is so freakin' huge and so powerful and so in control create a world where we could get "what's best" without all the suffering?  You would think so.  And actually He could, because He can do anything.  But after having walked with Jesus for 15 or 20 years now, and looking back on the pattern of my life and relationship with him, I'm not so sure I would still be walking with Him if I hadn't suffered.  My own sin just gets in the way (refer back to the first paragraph..."it usually takes the illusion of control being removed before I feel the need to pray").  If I didn't suffer and go through situations in this life that revealed to me that I can't do life on my own...I would have absolutely no need for God.  If He didn't allow me to suffer, He would essentially be allowing me to live under the false assumption that I can make life work well without Him.  I would have a good easy life...but I wouldn't have Him.  In my own self-centeredness and pride, I want to respond to that by saying, "well, so what? Just leave me alone God...why are you so concerned with me needing you?"  I think it's because He knows that the only way I will experience true joy and the deepest rest in my soul is by being reminded of my need for Him and returning to him...laying down my own "control."  And it is...I've experienced it.  What makes me so mad, though, is that it seems so arrogant on His part to create a world where the only way the people He's created can experience the greatest joy is by submitting to him!  And that just exposes even more of my flesh and sin...and how much I am not like God.  The reason it works that way is because He is the creator...therefore, He is the only One deserving of such worship (Isaish 64:8, Romans 9: 19-21).  Who He is alone should cause me to worship Him...even if He never did one good thing for me.  And He does so much good for me.  In fact, even the suffering is good, because it does lead me back to my greatest joy.  It reminds me that I'm not in control at all, like I think I am...and that even though God's Sovereignty is scary, He has promised that He is always working all things for my good (Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 29:11).  Even though this is no comparison, in my earthly mind it reminds me of how hard it would be for a parent to not rescue their child from spending a night in jail, or hitting the rock bottom of a drug addiction, knowing that this is the only way to bring about the best chance for a good outcome for their child.  In such a scenario, the child would be seen as "rebellious" and the parents would be seen as "loving, waiting, forgiving."  Well, that is exactly what I am...all the time...rebellious.  My flesh doesn't want to worship God...it wants to worship myself.  But, I do know that worshipping and relying on myself only leads to more misery (something else I've experienced)....but worshipping and submitting to the One who created me leads to the greatest rest and joy my heart has ever known.  If I hadn't experienced such joy, there is no way I would say such a seemingly absurd thing...I would just curse Him and go on about life on my own.  I don't believe that God allowed my baby to die before being born because of my rebellion and sin...if that were the case, then Jesus died for nothing.  The Gospel says that all of God's wrath was poured out on Christ for me, so there is no punishment left for my sin (Colossians 2:14)..."It is finished (John 19:30)."  But somehow and for some reason, He did allow me to experience the evil and fallen nature of this world through the loss of this pregnancy knowing that it would bring about more good in my life than I would have experienced had He not allowed it to happen.  Anyway, just a few things I have been thinking about as I have continued to grieve this loss.