Dear Father, I pray that you would be with our baby and watch over his/her growth and development. Please help the baby to develop normally, without any problems. Please sustain this pregnancy and let me go to full term. But, if there are major problems with the baby's development and it would be best for the baby not to go full term, then please let that happen....
And so on. Can you see it in there....how I still slipped in the control I think I have over my own life and the lives of those I love? It's like I thought I had to cover all of my bases or something, just in case God was trying to "slip one past me" by answering my prayer for a full term pregnancy but still not giving me what I was hoping for. I truly was treating God like a vending machine...like I knew best and He was there to serve me. I feel quite sure we all do this at times. It's just so hard to truly submit your life to a God who is loving and good, yes, but who is also so completely unpredictable...and who is so good that He will, unlike us earthly parents, always give His children the best...even if it means allowing them to hurt in order to receive the best. Why is suffering so necessary? Can't a God who is so freakin' huge and so powerful and so in control create a world where we could get "what's best" without all the suffering? You would think so. And actually He could, because He can do anything. But after having walked with Jesus for 15 or 20 years now, and looking back on the pattern of my life and relationship with him, I'm not so sure I would still be walking with Him if I hadn't suffered. My own sin just gets in the way (refer back to the first paragraph..."it usually takes the illusion of control being removed before I feel the need to pray"). If I didn't suffer and go through situations in this life that revealed to me that I can't do life on my own...I would have absolutely no need for God. If He didn't allow me to suffer, He would essentially be allowing me to live under the false assumption that I can make life work well without Him. I would have a good easy life...but I wouldn't have Him. In my own self-centeredness and pride, I want to respond to that by saying, "well, so what? Just leave me alone God...why are you so concerned with me needing you?" I think it's because He knows that the only way I will experience true joy and the deepest rest in my soul is by being reminded of my need for Him and returning to him...laying down my own "control." And it is...I've experienced it. What makes me so mad, though, is that it seems so arrogant on His part to create a world where the only way the people He's created can experience the greatest joy is by submitting to him! And that just exposes even more of my flesh and sin...and how much I am not like God. The reason it works that way is because He is the creator...therefore, He is the only One deserving of such worship (Isaish 64:8, Romans 9: 19-21). Who He is alone should cause me to worship Him...even if He never did one good thing for me. And He does so much good for me. In fact, even the suffering is good, because it does lead me back to my greatest joy. It reminds me that I'm not in control at all, like I think I am...and that even though God's Sovereignty is scary, He has promised that He is always working all things for my good (Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 29:11). Even though this is no comparison, in my earthly mind it reminds me of how hard it would be for a parent to not rescue their child from spending a night in jail, or hitting the rock bottom of a drug addiction, knowing that this is the only way to bring about the best chance for a good outcome for their child. In such a scenario, the child would be seen as "rebellious" and the parents would be seen as "loving, waiting, forgiving." Well, that is exactly what I am...all the time...rebellious. My flesh doesn't want to worship God...it wants to worship myself. But, I do know that worshipping and relying on myself only leads to more misery (something else I've experienced)....but worshipping and submitting to the One who created me leads to the greatest rest and joy my heart has ever known. If I hadn't experienced such joy, there is no way I would say such a seemingly absurd thing...I would just curse Him and go on about life on my own. I don't believe that God allowed my baby to die before being born because of my rebellion and sin...if that were the case, then Jesus died for nothing. The Gospel says that all of God's wrath was poured out on Christ for me, so there is no punishment left for my sin (Colossians 2:14)..."It is finished (John 19:30)." But somehow and for some reason, He did allow me to experience the evil and fallen nature of this world through the loss of this pregnancy knowing that it would bring about more good in my life than I would have experienced had He not allowed it to happen. Anyway, just a few things I have been thinking about as I have continued to grieve this loss.
2 comments:
I totally relate! I find myself doing the same things in prayer. In college one of my professor's told me that he always noticed that people always pray for things that they are already promised, like God's provision for example. Really from that point on I'ver really struggled with prayer, I feel like if I ask God for something that he has already promised then I don't understand the true character of God. Even though I really think sometimes we have to ask for things (even if we know that God will provide them) just to get our heart to match up to his. I also find myself giving God all the options in my prayers and that reminds me of your prayer. Sometimes, I just have to stop and ask God to teach me how to pray.
I totally agree, Whit. My heart is exposed a lot in my prayers...and my lack of prayers. I think prayer is powerful and does somehow move God (within His will, of course), but I also think like you said that it serves a purpose in changing us as well. We see things about ourselves that we wouldn't see if we weren't praying. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
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