"Rosie had always been a wonderful friend, but there was an unconscious insensitivity in the way she shared her joy. Each time Marta read one of her letters, she felt as though salt were being poured over her wounds." (Rivers in Her Mother's Hope, pg.111)
For background, Marta is a wounded young woman living as a servant in Europe in the early 1900's. She longs to be married with children, but is too afraid to open herself up to such hope. Rosie is her best friend who has just recently been married and had her first baby, and she has been writing letters to Marta that are filled with what her new baby is doing and how happy she is as her husband's wife.
The reason my mind went straight to Facebook and posting status updates is because I have often wondered, even before I read the quote this morning, if without intending to and without thinking I have ever caused a friend more pain, fear, or anger through what I have posted on Facebook...especially when I post cute things that I love about my little boy, or how wonderful my husband is. How do the multiple status updates about being a mom affect my friends who are battling infertility or miscarriage? How do status updates about how thoughtful my husband is affect my friend who wants to love and respect her husband, but struggles because he is not very thoughtful? How do my postings about natural childbirth affect friends who ended up with a C-section and quietly feel guilty or resent it? How do postings about choices I make in nutrition for my family affect friends who already battle feelings of guilt in this area, even though they are providing well for their families? How do my postings about my faith portray the Gospel and God Himself? And the list could go on.
Why do I write Facebook status updates? There are so many reasons. Often, I am simply just wanting to share something that I found enjoyable with my friends. And at times, I am feeling very thankful and blessed, and I want share my gratitude publicly. Status updates about my little boy are most likely the result of me really enjoying being a mom for the first time, and being naive to the fact that most of my "friends" are not going to enjoy my post as much as I do for various reasons. When I share things that have encouraged me in my faith, I am often desiring for other believing friends to be encouraged as well. However, I'm going to be honest (this blog is called, "Getting Real," for goodness sake), there are times my motivation is not so pure. There is a lot of arrogance wrapped up in some of those postings. Sometimes I am feeling pretty proud of the blessings in my life and wanting to world to know...because then they will think really good things about me, right? They will think I am a model mother and wife with an amazing husband. They will think I have really got my act together. Of course, I would never admit this to myself or anyone else at the time, but when I really think about it, the yuckiness of that arrogance is in there. Most often, probably, I am feeling a little disconnected and lonely at home with a toddler, and posting updates and waiting to read comments dulls the ache I am feeling for some rich community. And sometimes, I am innocently posting something that I find enjoyable...not arrogantly, but maybe with insensitivity to my audience. I need to remember that I have a couple hundred "friends" on Facebook who could possibly see my updates, and I should consider whether the risk of deepening someones pain or igniting anger they are trying to fight is worth me sharing my joy. Maybe, when I am feeling lonely, I should just pick up the phone and call a friend, drop by a friend's house to help her with a project, or invite a friend over to do the same with me so that we can enjoy authentic community, instead of settling for the counterfeit of comment threads? Maybe when I am boasting in myself and the choices I make in life, I should stop and count my blessings and acknowledge the Source?
Anyway, I am not going to do a "Facebook strike" or anything, because I think Facebook can be a good thing. I am just thinking for me, like everything else in life, it needs to be tempered with a lot of sensitivity, thought and awareness. I certainly don't want to imply that just the act of posting updates about our lives on Facebook is anything to feel guilty about. And just because I am considering these things doesn't mean everyone should. But, maybe you've thought about this, too?
2 comments:
yes, yes, yes, i have thought about this. you know how FB recently is showing your own former updates, stating something like "on this day in 2009 you said 'blah, blah, blah.'"
i am so embarrassed by some of my updates in the past because they are ridiculous and prideful in the stupidest way ever. like, oh aren't i awesome because i am making carrot cake from scratch.
i remember when i was struggling with a terribly low breastmilk supply when calvin was little... i was doing everything i could to pump up my supply. it was hard work, took a ton of time and dedication, etc. a FB friend of mine delivered a new baby during this time and she posted something like "omg my milk supply has come in... HELP! what can i do to make it go away as fast as possible?!"
i remember thinking how thoughtless she was and of course i judged her all over the place. but the point is, the thing that was causing me the most heartache was the thing that she was almost boastfully asking for.
I know, Tara. Isn't it funny how brave being behind the "wall of safety" that FB creates makes us? For example, if your friend would have been in the physcial presence of 5 friends, one of whom she knew was struggling with low breastmilk supply, surely her own sensitivity would have caused her to be more cautious in the way that she talked about her own issues. Not so on FB...we often don't consider others...we just assume everyone wants to hear what we are saying.
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