Someone Bigger, Part II

So, Daniel and I attended the last session of the parenting seminar we have been a part of for the last three weeks just last night.  It was so wonderful!  We both agreed that it was such a breath of fresh air and caused us to walk away feeling so much more at rest and hopeful in the work of the Gospel, as opposed to feeling fearful and burdened with how were are going to raise our child (and Lord willing, future children).  But you know what, I learned so much more about myself and my relationship with God through this seminar than I did about being a mother to John, which is probably a really good thing for my parenting!  Going along with the theme of self-reliance being exposed in my heart, I really began to see such a parallel in the way that God relates to me and the way He would have me relate to my child.  One of the main points that Gordon taught about discipline was this:  "Discipline is not hurting your child after they have done something wrong, it is leading them away from self-reliance towards trust in someone bigger (parents first and then the Lord)."  And no worries, he did say that this doesn't mean that pain is not ever to be used as a disciplinary tool!  He reminded us that discipline is not just punishment...it is really how you "do life" with your child/ren.  One easy example he gave, that really helped me get his point, was that giving your child 2 options to choose between for breakfast rather than just saying, "What do you want to eat this morning?" is discipline....because you are leading the child rather than the child leading you.  The overall picture we got from the entire series is that training our children to trust in someone bigger has a lot more to do with how the family does life as whole than it does with what disciplinary methods, tools, etc you are trying to follow.  He talked a lot about how often it is fear that drives a parent's discipline...fear of the child's behavior and where it will lead them in the future.  This often leads to rigid discipline that doesn't make room for the child's bent, situation, age, etc.  I see this in myself!  When John disobeys, I get scared and think, "I have to do something about this!"  Not really because I am concerned about God, but because I am concerned that if I don't fix his behavior, then he's not going to (I hate to say it this way, but....) "turn out" the way I want him to.  So, I've been thinking.  Do I really want John to obey?  Do I want John to JUST obey?  Do I really just desire that every time I tell him to do something, he do it like a robot because I have used whatever variety of cause/effect disciplinary tools to train him to do as I say?  Or, do I want John to pay attention to me?  I am seeing now that there is a really big difference between the two.  One involves a lot more relationship, trust, and unknowns.  I want him to pay attention to Daniel and I...to see us as the ones in his life that are bigger than him.  This is what will lead to obedience from the heart.  I want him to get a sense of how dependent he is on us, because later as his own relationship with the Lord (by God's grace alone) begins to flourish it will feel natural for him to feel dependent and trust Someone bigger than him. 

We learned a lot about how our marriage and the ways we are allowing God to use each other to expose our "blind spots" to each other, as well as the ways that we simply relate to John and give him room to be himself (with boundaries, of course...I'm not getting crazy "out there" or anything) as we listen and share life with him have a lot to do with fostering this kind of trust.  If he only learns to obey, then that leaves a lot more room as he gets older and smarter and more exposed to his flesh and the world, to go his own way...because he would have no sense of his place in relation to God....other than seeing God has Someone in authority who has rules to follow (leaving the two options for him to respond by either being as compliant as a pharisee or rebellious).  God doesn't want us to just obey Him...He wants us to trust Him, to rely on Him, to look to Him, and to keep our eyes on Him as we navigate our way through this world.  That is what I am learning about myself.  I have learned how to follow the rules, and I fail constantly....then I beat myself up and feel unloved by God until I get better.  I try harder, and rely on myself more. 

I don't want to just want to obey God, and just "get it right."  I want to follow Him.  And Daniel and I want this for our son, too.  What I am learning, is that just like everything else on the journey of walking with Christ goes, there isn't a set method that will get me there.  There is just praying, trusting, repenting, believing, and seeking....and waiting.  The waiting is the hard part, remembering that we are not raising our child, really...we are simply God's vessel.  God is the only one who can truly affect change in our child's heart.  Nothing we can do can make his flesh go away and his spirit come alive.  His heart is full of foolishness, and he will, just like his parents, be fighting (Lord, please!) against that foolishness his entire life!  Our job is to help him see that foolishness for what it is and to help him learn to trust in God to change it to wisdom.  Our child is not going to learn to "obey" overnight....he will grow just as awkwardly and slowly as the rest of us have in our own walks with Christ.  Our prayer is that as he does, God will regenerate his heart that he will never know a day when he didn't walk with the Lord.  And we pray that in each moment, in each situation, in the family times we have together, the Lord will give Daniel and I hearts that are dependent on Someone bigger to guide us moment by moment in how to discipline, love, enjoy, and guide the little guy he has entrusted to our care, that by God's grace trusting in Someone bigger than him would feel even more comfortable than home.  And Daniel and I agree, if one day we can talk about our child/ren giving the tender, beautiful examples that Gordon was able to share about his 3 daughters...we will be blessed beyond expectation.

I am so thankful for the picture God is giving me of what He wants my relationship with Him to look like as I learn about parenting John....that I need to learn just as much about paying attention to Him as John needs to learn to pay attention to his parents.  It is so easy for me to want a formula to plug myself into so that I can do parenting the right way...but that doesn't require much paying attention or trust, because it doesn't leave me with any unknown territory.  I am just as self-reliant as my child, and I am thankful beyond words for the patience and endurance of the Lord as he gently guides me away from that into trusting and relying on Him more.  Lord, please apply all that I am learning to my heart!