He Does Not Grow Weary

Today I am thankful that God does not grow weary.  He does not despair.  He does not ever feel tired or want to give up.  He is not limited by a body like we are.  He is never physically fatigued, but He also never grows emotionally tired by the burdens we bear.  He is always ready to take on more.

"Do you not know?  Have you not heard?  The Lord is the Everlasting God, the creator of the ends of the Earth.  He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom."  Isaiah 40:28

God's Got it Together

So, today I am thankful that God's "got it together."  When all my attempts to try to be a more organized mom who structures the day around a thought out routine fail, like starting at 7am, and all my attempts to do things for my family that I would love to do fail and I feel like I'm never going to be able to JUST GET IT TOGETHER, God's always got it together.  His plans never fail.  Nothing surprises Him.  He's never taken off guard.  He knows perfectly what needs to happen every moment, of every day, in the life of every person on the planet, and that is just what happens....without fail.

An Attempt to Refocus

I'm gonna try to record daily (gonna go ahead and say that is probably not going to happen....) something about God's character that I am thankful for and/or in awe of.  I am fighting for joy right now in the midst of hard, long days with little ones and being beat up by the evil one's lies.  We'll see how it goes!  I have found it nearly impossible right now to have a structured time of prayer and Bible reading.  Instead of trying to try harder to make that happen, I am going to try to talk with Jesus in the moments of daily life more, and really try to refocus my thoughts on the character of God and all that I am in Christ.  I need to practice receiving what is already mine!

Thoughts on a Crazy Morning Play Date...

I hoping to try to get back into blogging a little bit...my thoughts on this blog, and our family memories on our family blog.  To say that my brain feels a little bit foggy right now is quite an understatement!  Life has been crazy around here lately.  But, I was thinking on my way home from some time spent with my dear friends this morning and I would love to try to put into words some of what I was thinking about.

I love my little discipleship group from church.  I try very hard not to take for granted what a priceless gift I have been given.  There are 7 of us, and we have been together, meeting once a week faithfully, with lots of other play dates in between, for 2 years now.  We have already been through so much together!  We have grieved extreme losses together, rejoiced and celebrated together, and we are even starting to experience conflict together.  I love how different we all are, and how that only enhances the depth of our interactions.  We all parent differently (although all aiming to disciple our children in the truths of the Gospel), dress differently, cook differently, spend free time differently, spend money differently...you get the point.  And yet, I am just now getting to the point where I really can say that I don't feel judged with them.  That was my "ah-ha" moment this morning.  I was in awe over how I just walked away from time with other moms where there was so much room for hurt feelings and judgement and misunderstandings....and yet instead there was just helping, serving, loving, and jumping in it all together.  We had a crazy morning together...one of those days where you are trying to get something done together among toddler squabbles, screaming babies, and loud toys that should have never had a battery put in them.  The issue of how to get a baby to sleep well came up.  Two women said they let their babies cry it out, while two of us rock our babies to sleep.  I usually fear judgement when this subject comes up. When I "complain" or vent about how difficult a day was because  my baby had a harder time going to sleep and I had to be in the nursery longer, I would fear other moms thinking I got myself into my own problem by being too soft.  Whereas, a mother who lets her babies cry to sleep might fear other moms thinking she is cruel or not nurturing.  Really, this parenting issue is not really worth all the judgement and hurt feelings.  Parenting is hard, no matter how you feel led to approach it.  Whether you Babywise it, Attachment Parent it, or a combo of both...it's just hard, and no one can really master it, no matter how hard you try.  Once you feel like you have "conquered" one challenge, your baby/child goes through another stage and you are faced with one or many more struggles to tackle.  So instead of adding judgement to the mix of struggles, we should all be loving and serving each other through these years, encouraging each other in the ways we each feel led to parent, pushing each other to cling to Jesus in the midst of hard, hard days.

So, I realized what a gift we have, because I finally feel like this is where we are most of the time.  And I love it.   I think the reason we have been able to get to this point is because it is a gift from Jesus, and we know each other so well.  How could I judge one of my dear sisters who I have literally walked through trials with, spent countless days with, knowing the love they have for their children and the depth of their desire to nurture their children in the grace of Christ?  And why should I fear judgement from them when they have experienced the same with me?  Time, suffering, shouldering burdens, prayer, and the grace of Christ has grown such a deep love that truly does remove the sting of judgement.  It is so freeing to be able to live life with these women.

So, once again, I am reminded of God's perfect plan in creating us for community.  It is such a beautiful gift in a fallen world.   The gift of community is so worth the time and risk of being authentic and getting real with the people God has placed in our lives!  And I don't want to paint an inaccurate picture of our day, by the way.  I'm sure we are all in need of some peace and quiet....and maybe a drink....this evening! It was crazy. But how wonderful that love, service, and just being together made it so much more bearable and even joyful!  That's why the hard is worth it.

His Glory and His Love

I've always struggled with the thought of God creating us for his own glory.  I've experienced his grace often enough and seen Him do things that only He could do enough times to realize that He and He alone is worthy of all glory, and I desire to worship Him because of that.  However, when I let myself think about it long enough, I struggle with the fact that it seems so arrogant to create people so that they will worship you.  My flesh and the evil one really start messing with my mind and telling me that there is no way that God can love me if the only reason he created me was to bring glory to Himself.  It seems so self-serving.  Sure, I know that He is God and that alone gives him every "right" to do as He pleases.  But it doesn't make the feelings any less strong when I'm struggling and doubting His love...and especially when I see and experience the brokenness of this world.

However, yesterday as I was reading "Give Them Grace," by Elyse Fitzpatrick, I was reminded of a beautiful thing.  The incarnation of Jesus Christ.  This is as opposite of arrogance and serving self as one could possible get.  Here is what she says in the chapter called, "The One Good Story":

The modesty that we see in the beloved Son's life is a refusal to show off or insist that everyone give him his due.  He didn't proclaim his greatness in the streets (Matt. 12:19); he didn't show off in front of his enemy (Matt. 4:1-11).  Although he could have called down legions of angels or obliterated all his detractors and the ever-so-slow disciples, he restrained himself.  He didn't need our approval or praise.  He had nothing to prove, and he lived humbly because he loved us and never showed off.

It made me think about how God Himself became man and literally restrained Himself...held back his power to overcome the enemy and all the people who were mocking him to his face in spite of the ways he had served them during his 33 years among them.  He suffered WITH them.  He chose to experience along with them how broken their sin had made the world He had created to be perfect.  If you are familiar at all with Jesus's life and interactions with people, you know that he was just so out-of-the-box.  From healing people that others had avoided for years, to living as a homeless man who didn't know where his next meal would be, to dining with outcasts and those who persecuted his people, to washing the feet of the ones who would deny and kill him, and finally refusing to use the power that was his to choose not to go to the cross and die a criminal's death for the laws he never broke.  Ok, so maybe He isn't as arrogant as I am tempted to believe sometimes.  It's just mind-boggling to me!  God did all of this because, while He is passionate for His glory, He loves us.  If He only wanted His glory, all He would have to do would be to demand it from us and destroy us if we refused to give Him what He deserves....which is actually the end result apart from Christ.  But He didn't leave it like that.  He couldn't...because of His amazing love. 

"...Jesus Christ, who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.  And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death--even death on a cross!  Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."  (Philippians 2:6-11)



A Baby's Valuable Life

I am not much for getting involved in political talk...I usually see it as being so divisive that it's not worth it. Several things recently have had me thinking a lot about the issue of abortion, however.  First of all, I am 22 weeks pregnant with a baby girl.  She has just as much of a human right to her own life and future decisions as any other woman (even though my thoughts on our "rights" as children of a merciful God are another topic altogether!).  Then there was this picture that has been circulating in my circle a little bit on Facebook...an artist's clay depiction of a baby in the womb at 12 weeks. I really felt compelled in the middle of last nights' storms while watching the news at 2am to write a little bit about my thoughts regarding abortion.  I saw a short story about the law that was recently upheld in Arizona banning abortions after 20 weeks of pregnancy.  What really stirred my spirit was the language that is so often used, as was used in this news piece, when talking about abortion, babies, and pregnancy.  I really believe that the language lawmakers, media, and those opposed to a baby's right to life use only make it easier for us all to live with the fact that we are killing babies.  It just soothes the pain that we should be feeling when talking about this issue...and in my opinion is a way to sort of live in denial.  I know I am really putting myself out there for criticism in this day talking like this, but I honestly believe it is true.  When we say things like, "a law has been upheld that makes it unlawful to terminate a pregnancy beyond 20 weeks," it's a little easier on the heart than hearing, "a law has been upheld that makes it unlawful to end the life of a baby once the baby has completed 20 weeks of development."  We say things like "terminate pregnancy," and "right to choose," and "fetus," "tissue," and "unborn child" because we don't want to see the truth....abortion is killing a baby....it is ending the life that has begun in a developing human with a heartbeat, spinal column, nerves that feel, and muscles that cause it to kick and move around. 

I feel pretty confident that most abortions do not take place prior to 6 weeks.  However, at the 6 week ultrasound of all 3 of the babies I have carried (although I did lose our second baby at 10 weeks), we saw a strong heartbeat over 100 beats per minute!  At 6 weeks!  There was life....it was moving right there on the screen.  It was not just tissue...it was life.  The spinal cord begins developing before most women even know they are pregnant.  I felt my baby kick for the first time at 13 weeks, even though she was kicking long before that point.  It makes me so incredibly sad to know that in some states it would be legal to end the life of the baby that I am currently carrying...at 22 weeks....simply because she is not "viable,"...meaning that if she were born today, she would not be able to survive outside of my womb.  Does that mean that she isn't a baby?  Does the fact that she still needs my body to nurture her development mean that her life is not as important or meaningful? 

Now, I also want to say that I am not naive to the other side of this issue.  While I have never experienced a pregnancy as a single woman, a young teenager, or just during a time when I was not hoping for a child, I know it is not an easy life circumstance to find oneself in.  And, I know that choosing to have an abortion is not always a decision that a woman enters into lightly.  I also know that it is a decision that she will battle with emotionally for a very long time.  My heart towards women who have had, are having, or are thinking about having an abortion is full of compassion.  I cannot imagine what they have been through and/or are going through.  I am currently praying for a group of women who are part of a local support group designed to guide women who have had an abortion towards healing through the Gospel of Jesus Christ...and I am humbled by their courage and faith when I read their requests.  And, I have friends who have personally experienced abortion and are finding healing from their experience, while very possible, to be an ever-present battle.  Hearing their stories and the long-term effects of abortion on their hearts only makes me more certain that abortion is not the answer to a woman finding she is carrying a baby when she wasn't planning to.  The results for the woman are going to be difficult no matter what a woman decides to do, so why add to that ending another life?  And I know that for those opposed to a baby's right to life the issue at stake is the woman's choice.  Which leads me back to my original point.

My only thoughts last night were this:  If we are going to keep allowing abortion to be legal, then let's call it what it is, for the sake of the babies who are dying and the moms who are hurting more than we know.  Let's stop making it an easier pill to swallow.  To say it in health care terminology, let's offer women the option of giving truly "informed consent."  When a woman is presented with her options, let's say:  "you could allow your baby to develop until you go into labor and give birth and keep the baby for yourself, OR you could allow your baby to develop until you go into labor and give birth and then allow another couple who is longing for a baby to adopt your baby as their own if you are not able to care for him/her, OR, you could end the life of your baby.  We will not be just 'terminating your pregnancy,' we will be ending your baby's life."  Then whatever stage of development her baby is in, let's make sure she is aware of all that she will be deciding to end.  She needs to know what her baby looks like, is doing at this point, etc.  We don't need to hide such crucial information in order to "make it easier on her" to decide to end her baby's life.  I just wonder if women were presented with a more genuine picture of the choice they are being given, how many more of them might choose to nurture, rather than end, their baby's life?

"Give Them Grace"

I am super excited about my new book from the library!  I am reading "Give Them Grace" by Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson.  I have only read one chapter, but it is amazing how simply reading that one chapter and journaling through the questions at the end of it has really disrupted a lot within me not only as a mother, but mostly as a daughter of God.  I am realizing even more of what I have known about myself for several years now...I want so badly to make the law work.  I want to be able to follow God's law and please Him.  Not that desiring that is a bad thing, but the problem is it will never happen.  And it should never be my goal, because it sends me down the wrong path.  In my quest to follow the law and please God I head down the path of self-reliance, despair, anger, and distance from God.  It was so amazing to me to read about how my despair at my own inability to obey the law is purposefully put in my life to lead me to Christ!  I need the law.  I need to read it, learn it, meditate on it, and love it more.  But not so that I can become more faithful, or be a better wife, mother, friend, daughter, etc.  And not so that I can please God.  I need the law because the more I learn it, the more I am faced with my own inability to follow it...and therefore the more not reliant on myself I become.  The more I rely on Christ and what He has already done. 

And this is what my children need, too.  Man, this book is stirring up so much confusion within me, but I know that is a good thing.  I find myself, especially right now while John is 2 1/2, wanting so badly for him to just obey me!  Please, would you just do what I say!  And when he doesn't I am scrambling for a solution.  Maybe we should do this?  Maybe we should do that?  Maybe this discipline isn't working?  I need to ask so-and-so what THEY do in this situation....etc.  And I am realizing, my goal is in a short-term result.  A compliant child and a peaceful day.  I am not looking at the long-term, big picture.  My child is 2 1/2.  Yes, it is our job to teach him to obey.  Yes, he needs to learn what God and what we require of him.  But, he's still 2 1/2...so he's got a lot of time left (Lord-willing) to grow and learn.  Days with a 2 1/2 year old are going to be hard sometimes.  Learning obedience is going to be slow.  I want him to learn that He needs a Savior.  And I want him to learn that Jesus is a Savior who loves him unconditionally, whether he is compliant or not.  And I want him to learn that he is never going to be able to achieve perfect compliance...which is why he needs Jesus.  I know this is what my husband wants for our family, too.  It's what he reminds me of all the time when I am despairing about my own inabilities to "get it right."  He is such a great leader for me in understanding the heart of the Gospel story.

Something else I had started thinking about right before I started reading this book was how I sometimes parent in a way that isn't consistent with my goals, just because I get impatient with the lack of "progress" I see and I am fearful of the judgement of other parents.  Our goal for parenting our children is to teach them to rely not on themselves, but on someone bigger than them (us now, Jesus later).  If the goal is leading him away from self-reliance and toward reliance on someone bigger, then why train him to be an independent, compliant, good little 2 year old?  Well, that's an easy answer....it's more convenient for me, and other people will be amazed at my parenting skills when they see my child (note sarcasm).  If he doesn't need me as much, then I am more free to do what I want to do.  Sure, I want him to learn to function independently as an adult.  But the key word....adult.  We have a lot of time (again, Lord-willing) to get there!  I have to constantly remind myself of our goals.  Which again leads me back to my own repentance of my self-reliance and selfishness.  Ultimately, my hope is not in "getting it right" as a parent, either.  My hope is in Christ to save my child.  Daniel and I want to do the best we can, by God's grace, to create an atmosphere in our home that displays the complete Gospel story to our children.  And we want them to learn to rely on Christ and not on themselves.  But we cannot make that happen.  Only Christ can change their hearts.

So, I'm all disrupted over this one chapter, and I cannot wait to read more!  And the disruption is good.  I'm disrupted because I see the big picture of what we are going for in how to parent our children....but I have absolutely no idea how to get there.  Which leaves me at a place of dependence and reliance on God.  If you haven't heard of this book and want to hear more about it, here is a link to the forward in the book:

http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/tullian/2011/05/16/give-them-grace/