A Christmas Thought

I am enjoying reading, Disappointment With God, by Philip Yancey.  What I read this morning really helped me to picture in my mind, as best I can in human form, what the Incarnation was like for God.  I've often wondered why, if God is so powerful and in control of all things, he doesn't act more and just "make" people love and serve Him.  This was a satisfying thought for me.

"'Suppose there was a king who loved a humble maiden,' begins a story by Kierkegaard.

The king was like no other king.  Every statesman trembled before his power.  No one dared breathe a word against him, for he had the strength to crush all opponents.  And yet this mighty king was melted by love for a humble maiden. 

How could he declare his love for her?  In an odd sort of way, his very kingliness tied his hands.  If he brought her to the palace and crowned her head with jewels and clothed her body in royal robes, she would surely not resist--no one dared resist him.  But would she love him?

She would say she loved him, of course, but would she truly?  Or would she live with him in fear, nursing a private grief for the life she had left behind.  Would she be happy at his side?  How could he know?

If he rode to her forest cottage in his royal carriage, with an armed escort waving bright banners, that too would overwhelm her.  He did not want a cringing subject.  He wanted a lover, an equal.  He wanted her to forget that he was a king and she a humble maiden and to let shared love cross over the gulf between them. 

'For it is only in love that the unequal can be made equal,' concluded Kierkegaard.  The king, convinced he could not elevate the maiden without crushing her freedom, resolved to descend.  He clothed himself as a beggar and approached her cottage incognito, with a worn cloak fluttering loosely about him.  It was no mere disguise, but a new identity he took on.  He renounced the throne to win her hand."

Yancey then goes on to quote a portion of Philippians 2, which has also been on my mind recently since we memorized in our discipleship group.

...Christ Jesus, Who being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped.  But made Himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.  And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to death--even death on a cross.

My favorite Scripture to think upon at Christmas is Galatians 4:4-7:

"But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth His Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons.  And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, crying, 'Abba! Father!'  So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God."

As my pastor reminded us this Christmas, "If you ever wonder about God's love for you, yes, look to the cross...but even more so, look to the manger!"  God became one of us so that He could redeem us!  Everytime I am reminded and I take the time to really think on what this means, the Spirit helps me to grasp it just a little more.  Thanks be to God!

Books

It's been a little while since I've blogged, both on this blog and our family blog!  Life has just been busy.  I am ready to start catching up on things I enjoy...like blogging, working on creative projects and gifts, and reading.  I have read some books in the past couple of months that I wanted to share, though.

Her Mother's Hope and Her Daughter's Dream, both in the Marta's Legacy series, by Francine Rivers

I really enjoyed these two books.  They are fiction novels, however the story is based upon the author's own family story.  She wrote it after she became interested in learning more about her mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother's lives, even taking a trip back to their home country of Switzerland as part of her search.  The story is about mothers and daughters and the struggles they face in life.  It is certainly a story of redemption.  I became frustrated at times with the unrealistic time lapses the author had to put in the story in order to keep it as concise as possible, but other than that, I couldn't put the books down.

Choosing to SEE, by Mary Beth Chapman

I got a recommendation to read this book from my friend Miller's blog.  Wow.  This is by far one of the best books I've ever read...mainly because of the impact it had on me.  This is Steven Curtis Chapman's wife's memoir.  The book covers her life from childhood through present day, and it includes the story of the death of their daughter, Maria.  Mary Beth writes so authentically, which is the main reason I enjoyed the book so much.  There were moments that I was laughing out loud, and there were other moments where I was weeping so hard that I had to put the book down so that I could breath and see the pages again.  Mary Beth's faith and courage to trust God encouraged me so much.  I would HIGHLY recommend this book...just be warned, you are going to go through some crazy emotions if you read it!

One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp

My discipleship group decided we would read this book together, at our own pace.  I had a love/hate relationship with this book while I was reading it.  There were times that I really struggled to get through it, and there were other times that I couldn't put it down.  The author writes extremely poetically.  Her writing is quite beautiful, but for a person like myself who thinks very concretely, it is just one more hoop to jump through in order to get her meaning.  There were points in the book, though, where the poetic writing was not quite as heavy and I was able to move a little faster and identify with her more.  I found myself wanting to live her life-the life of a farm wife and mother- as I read about her watering and picking flowers from her garden at dawn, baking several loaves of bread for dinner, donning an apron as she began the day's chores, or cleaning up floors after her 6 children and husband came in with mud-covered shoes after working the farm.  I guess I should point out, the main idea of the book is the author's journey from a life of fear toward a life of gratitude by journaling God's gifts as she sees them throughout each day.  I have begun my own gratitude journal as a result of reading this book, and I have definitely discovered the benefit of it!  I am much more aware of my attitude and how easy it is for me to be afraid, to complain, and to just be ungrateful when I am surrounded by so many gifts I don't deserve.

The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, by Rebecca Skloot

While there were parts of this book that were very slow for me, I really enjoyed it and found the story to be fascinating.  The book is the true story of a woman whose cervical cancer cells were taken from her body during an exam in the 1950's without her knowledge and used in research.  The cells never died but just continued to multiply.  The cells were distributed and sold to research labs all over the world and used to develop vaccines, find cures for cancers, study AIDS, and many other medical breakthroughs.  Some labs even benefited financially from the cells.  However, the woman's family has lived in poverty for generations, not even able to go to the doctor for lack of money and insurance.  The book simply presents the facts and doesn't really seem to have an agenda, however very obviously the debate about whether or not doctors should be allowed to use a person's cells for research without consent is certainly addressed.  The story of Henrietta's family is fascinating.  I really did enjoy the book and would recommend it, especially to friends who enjoy things medical. 

I found all of these books at my local library...except for One Thousand Gifts, which I borrowed from a friend.

Happy reading, friends!



Blessings

"What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life, is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy?  And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?"

-from "Blessings" by Laura Story

Gratitude and Trust

When I first started reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp, I really didn't think I would end up finishing it.  She writes very poetically, and I am not a very poetic person.  I really struggled to make it through the first few chapters.  However, this past week has definitely been the turning point for me.  I find myself being drawn back to this book every time I have a few moments free.  For those of you who haven't heard of the book, it is about a woman's journey into living a life of gratitude.  She began keeping a journal of things she is grateful for...gifts from God that she was intentionally looking for throughout her day.  She eventually chronicled 1000 of them, and has just continued on.

The reason the book has become so much more of a friend to me this week is because I made it to the chapter where she really talks a lot about her struggles with fear and anxiety.  She talks about fearing the future and whether or not God will provide for her family as the economy takes a turn for the worse.  She shares her struggles with a diagnosed anxiety disorder.  She shares her questions about why, if God is good, there are so many events in life that are not good.  She asks hard questions about really tough suffering that she, her family, and her friends have struggled through.  Reading her thoughts about this couldn't have come at a more perfect time for me!

One conclusion she came to is that gratitude and trust cannot be separated.  We will not trust God if we cannot look back and see how He's been faithful in the past.  The more we live gratefully, recognizing His gifts moment-by-moment, the more we will trust His faithfulness and goodness toward us in the future.  That makes so much sense to me.  Not that God really owes me a list of references or anything...but that is what keeping a record of His gifts would be like for me.  It's something to look back on a be reminded of---in this fallen, sinful world where suffering indeed exists, He has given me so many more gifts that I could have ever deserved.  He has provided when I doubted that He would.  Being intentional about looking for and recording His gifts to me could establish in my forgetful heart a pattern of His faithfulness and goodness...teaching me His character, what He is really like.

Here are a few more little tidbits from the book....my favorites that I want to remember:

...she's talking about hard situations of deep suffering...."Remember and give thanks?  For what?  What if remembering doesn't kindle gratitude?  What if remembering just leaves third-degree burns?....In the wait, memories blister.  And in the still, Spirit comes and He whispers a name.  Christ.  And I see a world through His lens:  'He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all--how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?' (Romans 8:32).  He gave us Jesus.  Jesus!  Gave Him up for us all.  If we have only one memory, isn't this one enough?  Why is this the memory I most often take for granted? He cut open the flesh of the God-Man and let the blood.  He washed our grime with the bloody grace.  He drove the iron ore through His own vein.  Doesn't that memory alone suffice?  Need there be anything more?  If God didn't withhold from us His very own Son, will God withhold anything we need?  If trust must be earned, hasn't God unequivocally earned our trust with the bark on the raw wounds, the thorns pressed into the brow, your name on the cracked lips?  How will He not also graciously give us all things He deems best and right?  He has already given the incomprehensible." (pg. 154)

"Trauma's storm can mask the Christ and feelings can lie...sometimes we don't fully see that in Christ, because of Christ, through Christ, He does give us all things good--until we have the perspective of years.  In time, years, dust settles.  In memory, ages, God emerges." (pg. 156)

"There is no joy without trust...'For no matter how many promises God has made, they are 'Yes' in Christ' (2 Corinthians 1:20).  Yes in Christ!  To the Enfleshed Yes who said yes to this moment and yes to last year's illness and yes to the cracks of my childhood and yes to the nail and yes to my name in the Book of Life, hear me say YES!  Not 'I'm worried.'  Not, 'I'm stressed out.'  Not 'I'm anxious.'  Not 'I'm too afraid.'  Hear me say thank you.  Hear me say YES!  Watch me live a life of yes.  To all that was and is and is to come.  The power of sin and death and fear-sent-from-Enemy are forever ended because we can trust in the bridge even if it's caving, in God even when it's black, in manna-nourishment even when we don't know what it is.  The God whom we thank for fulfilling the promises of the past will fulfill His promises again.  In Christ, the answer to the questions of every moment is always Yes.  The answer is always YES!"  (pg. 159)

Now, I don't feel quite as much passionate trust as she exemplied in that last quote...but I am praying that by God's grace and through the continued work of the Spirit within me I will!



Community Is a Must!

I am so thankful for community...especially in seasons of my walk with God like I am in now.  Over the past couple of days, as I have questioned, been angry, been anxious, etc. I have received so many different forms of encouragement from my husband and friends.  I've been reminded of God's character, His promises, His Word.  I've been reminded of who the Enemy is and how dead set he is on making sure I feel like an orphan who has been abandoned by God.  I've been gently pointed toward my self-righteousness, ingratitude, and unbelief.  I've been reminded of the Gospel....the Good News.

I still have a lot of questions, and I still hesitate to trust God because I still fear His will for my life.  I fear suffering.  I fear grief.  And as I was reminded last night by some dear women in my community, when I fear I immediately seek control.  When I fear I lose sight of gifts and blessings God has given me, which I don't even come close to deserving.  And, God is big enough for my fear, my ingratitude, my doubts, and my anger.  Jesus died for all of that, and God can handle it.  Because I am struggling, I can rest in knowing that He is at work.  If I had all of these doubts, fears and feelings of anger but didn't care to come to some resolution with God...then clearly I would not be in relationship with him.  The doubt and questioning is evidence that He is pursuing me....and I don't want to run....even though I'm scared.

Here's a couple of snippets from a book I am reading with some friends....the book is called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  It's about choosing gratitude.  I read a little bit this morning, and it stirred my heart.  I'm not going to say I had some divine conclusion to all my messiness...but it definitely stirred my heart.

"Why am I a habitual reductionist?  Why do I reduce God in this moment to mere annoying frustration?  Why do I reduce The Greatest to the lesser instead of seeing the lesser, this mess, as reflecting The Greatest?  I have to learn how to see, to look through to the Largeness behind all the smallness.  Isn't He here?"(pg. 128)

"In this wilderness, I keep circling back to this:  I'm blind to joy's well every time I really don't want it.  The well is always there.  And I choose not to see it.  Don't I really want joy?  Don't I really want the fullest life?  For all my yearning for joy, longing for joy, begging for joy--is the bald truth that I prefer the empty dark?  Prefer drama?  Why do I lunge for control instead of joy?  Is it somehow more perversely satisfying to flex control's muscle?  Ah--power--like Satan....If the startling truth is that I don't really want joy, there's a far worse truth.  If I am rejecting the joy that is hidden somewhere deep in this moment--am I not ultimately rejecting God?  Whenever I am blind to joy's well, isn't it because I don't believe in God's care?  That God cares enough about me to always offer me joy's water, wherever I am , regardless of circumstance.  But if I don't believe God cares, if I don't want or seek the joy He definitely offers somewhere in this moment--I don't want God." (pg. 130)

Questioning God

I often go through seasons of doubt and questioning in my walk with God...and I'm in one now.  Here was my prayer written in my prayer journal this morning:

"Lord, I am so full of doubt right now.  I am so confused about Who You are, who I am, and how we relate to each other and the world.  I know I am made to glorify You, and I know that I glorify You most when I enjoy You most.  But what about when You don't seem to be very enjoyable?  Like when You're silent, or when You allow horrible things to happen?  What can I trust You for in life?  Have You really promised to always provide for me and my family?  If so, why are there families who watch their children die of hunger or who live on the streets?  What if You decide that You would be most glorified by not providing for our needs?  How would that increase my joy and your glory?  I just don't understand.  I am so full of doubt and questions.  I am so scared of You because You allow horrible suffering in the lives of people who love You, follow You, and long to glorify You.  In Truth, I know that I'm not big enough, nor do I need, to protect myself from Your divine will in my life--but that's what I want to do.  I am so full of unbelief in Your goodness.  Father, help my unbelief!"

The reason I share this is because maybe you've had these questions before, too?  What is prompting these doubts is my fear and doubt that God will provide for us.  We are going to have to do some repair work on our house that will require using savings.  I seriously want to have a panic attack when I think about using our savings.  I don't want to have to trust God to provide...I want the security of knowing we have a safety net "just in case."   Anyway, this is leading me to ask questions like:  "Does God really promise to provide?"  and "Does God really promise to protect His people?"  "Why do we pray for God's protection and provision, because he obviously allows believers to go without things they need and to come into harm?"  "How does God's glory and His goodness toward us coexsist?"  Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments!  I would love to know what you think.

A Gift

Last night was such a gift.  Daniel and I had decided a few days ago that last night was going to be the night that we sat down to look at our budget...ugh.  We use an online budgeting system, Crown Mvelopes, that we like for many reasons....but for the past several weeks as I have been using it I have grown increasingly frustrated with some errors that kept occurring that were preventing me from being able to keep it current and in "real time."  As I was preparing dinner last night and trying to tell Daniel about it, I started going into one of my little complaining rants...yes, a mere 2 days after our pastor preached an incredible sermon about complaining...sigh.  So, what normally happens during one of my complaining rants is I will start complaining about something I'm frustrated about, get more frustrated about it as I complain, complain more, get more frustrated, get angry at Daniel because he's trying to give me another perspective on the problem, start predicting the future and getting angry/fearful about how this problem is going to ultimately ruin our lives, expect Daniel to tell me what steps we are going to take to keep said problem from ruining our lives, etc.  This is where Daniel and I often end up in a big ole' argument because by this point, I am refusing to see any perspective other than my own and he is just plain ticked off with that. 

Well, last night was different, and it was such a gift.  So, picking up where I left off.  I started complaining about how our budgeting software never updates correctly anymore and it's never current and how are we ever going to be able to track our spending and use it the way it's supposed to be used if it's never current and blah, blah, blah.  I could tell Daniel was starting to get a little frustrated with me, but he remained calm and started talking about how there must be something wrong in the way we have it set up rather than with the software itself because if it's been going on this long they would have had a release by now that would have fixed it, and then he said something about a "code fix" and I just busted out laughing, slowly walked over to him, hugged him and said, "I love that you know that."  Of course he knows about these things!  Have I forgotten that my husband is a software support expert just promoted to team lead, for goodness sake?  So, Daniel looked a little taken aback for just a second, like he was thinking, "Is this really happening?  Is she really laughing?"  Then, he just started laughing, too, and we just laughed.  I told him how thrilled I was that maybe he could fix this issue and maybe our lives weren't going to come to ruin by this little software problem.  And you know what?  He did fix it, in a matter of just a few minutes.  And now it is current and I feel like a new woman as I think about sitting down to assign some transactions later today.

The reason all of this was a gift is because it was so redemptive.  I am not someone who laughs easily in the middle of a complaining rant.  It's just usually like trying to get a bill passed in Congress to try to get me to change my perspective when I'm feeling frustrated and angry.  But God blessed us with His grace and allowed me to see another view, to see my husband's strengths and knowledge as being useful and needed by me, and to laugh.  And he blessed Daniel with the grace to show me patience and to want to use his knowledge to help me, when solving another software issue was probably the last thing he wanted to do last night! And, who would have guessed, one of my complaining rants actually led to us having a lot of fun together last night. Thank you, Jesus!